Facebook Shorts Vol. 2

More crap I put on Facebook. Just a bunch of little dialogues. Enjoy?

1.

“Do you ever take anything seriously?”

“No.”

“You should really start.”

“I just shit myself.”

2.

“What about that guy?”

“He looks like the type of guy who finds The Big Bang Theory funny.”

“Doesn’t look smart.”

“Exactly. Probably watches Will Ferrell movies and listens to rap. Thinks he knows the plight of the black man because he listened to a Kendrick Lamar album. I bet he writes raps and thinks they are so clever. Dreams of being the next Eminem.”

“Go ask him.”

“What?”

“I want to see if you are right.”

She stands and walks to the male’s table. Has a seat across from him.

“Hi.”

“Yo,” he says with a nod of his head.

“Saw you sitting here and I don’t know, what do you want to do with your life?”

“I write raps. You know express my inner being.”

“Right…you hear the new Kendrick Lamar?”

“Yo, that shit is deep, yo.”

“Jesus Christ,” she stands and walks back to her table.

“Were you right?”

“I should be a fucking fortune teller.”

She looks up and the male is standing by her table.

“Thought maybe I could call you sometimes.”

“You don’t need to put an s at the end of sometime. And no. You cannot.”

“What the fuck girl? You come over there mess with my head like that?”

“Honestly? Yes.”

“Why you be like that?”

“Cause the sky is blue.”

“Man, fuck you bitches.”

He storms out of the coffee house.

“You made that thug cry.”

“I’m sure he’ll tell his parents all about it.”

The two girls laugh like there is no tomorrow.

3.

“People need to stop worrying about if Jesus loves them and learn to love themselves. The world would be a much happier place.”

“Aren’t you worried about going to Hell?”

“I really don’t care which hotel I stay in when I’m dead. Dead is fucking dead. I mean what’s the difference? In Heaven you get complementary towels. In Hell they don’t leave a mint on your pillow. It’s like choosing toothpaste…tartar control or whitening…same shit different label.”

4.

“When people pray before eating is that like a one shot deal? What happens if you interrupt them? I mean what would the purpose serve if you could just bless it like a million times?”

“If you try to start again the face of Jesus appears before you…kind of like in Jurassic Park when they are trying to restore the power but Nedry put that program the keeps saying, ‘Nuh uh uh’ and won’t let you go any further. You just have to hope for the best.”

“That’s the part where Samuel L. Jackson says, ‘Hold on to your butts’.”

“Yeah sure. Why are you asking me this? Do you pray before you eat?.”

“Nah. What’s the point? Thank you Jesus for this delicious meal? I get it if you worked for that meal. If you hadn’t eaten in like a week and had to kill a bear or something. If you had to struggle like a fucking caveman then yes, praying before you eat is justified. Cause that’s a real thank God for this fucking meal. Going to McDonald’s…shit all you had to do was open your wallet.”

“I saw, I don’t know, some weird Jesusy teenagerish guy pray before eating a pop tart a few days back.”

“You know what pop tarts are right? They are a metaphor for rebirth in Christ. You unwrap this pastry. Sexy little beasts that they are all you can think about is putting your mouth all over it. But you can’t yet. I mean you could but it’s kind of powdery, a little strange, like it’s been through some shit. So you put it in the toaster where it stews in that firey abyss. Remembering all the sinful things that it did in it’s short life. It’s then the torture ends. It atones and pops up a little slice of heaven.”

“I fucking hate you.”

“It’s true.”

“Oh no…I’m done talking to you.”

5.

Internet: So I see you’re doing a little writing…that’s nice.

Me: Oh thanks. Took me a few minutes to get in the swing of things but it’s going pretty well.

Internet: Well gee…that sure is swell. Let me just shut myself off so you don’t have anymore distractions.

Me: Wait…what?

(Silence)

Me: You do know that the program that I started writing this on is web based and requires an internet connection.

Internet: That’s just an excuse so you can watch some more cat videos.

Me: No, It’s really not. I kind of need you right now.

Internet: Don’t care! Bye!

Me: Damn you Tom Jones!

Tom: Hey chap, what you blaming me for?

Me: Well Tom, if your songs weren’t so soothing to my soul I would have been paying more attention to getting some writing done before the internet decided it wanted to be a dick.

Tom: It fucked right off, didn’t it lad?

Me: Yes Tom. It fucked right the hell off.

Tom: You know…that’s not unusual.

Me: Go to hell Tom.

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The Many Quirks of Capital G pt. 3: The End

The day it started nobody knew exactly what God was doing. His explanation wasn’t very reassuring.

“For thousands of years, ever since dingbat over there, yeah, you Jesus, told them I was someone to worship they have been talking about ‘The End Times’. So, I’m giving it to them. I’m sick of hear their whiny voices. Plus, they have ruined everything I made. Fucking unappreciative little shits is what they are. They deserve this. I gave them something glorious and they turned it to shit. So if they all want to die, so be it.”

“They also think they are coming here.”

“Haha, fuck that noise. Last thing I want is a bunch of assholes following me around.”

“They aren’t that bad. I mean, Ted Danson is pretty nice,” Jesus says.

“That’s enough out of you Jesus.”

“But Dad…”

“Say one more word.”

“Ted…”

God looked at Jesus with a scornful eye. Jesus then placed his hand on his crotch and screamed.

“What did you do?”

“I took away his penis.”

“What now?”

“I evaporated his penis.”

“Why are you so obsessed with penises?”

“Why are you not obsessed with penises?”

“I don’t have time to think about penises. Ninety-nine percent of my time is spent making sure you don’t do something stupid which, apparently I’m not good at.”

“Name one thing I’ve done that was stupid.”

“Let’s see…pretty much everything since you made that place.”

“So you agree, it needs to go.”

“I agree it is a catastrophe. But to eradicate the entire planet…I don’t know.”

“They are just going to do it themselves. It’s what they want.”

“What they want is for you to save them.”

“Wasn’t the plan.”

“What was the plan?”

“Why do you care? Do you like them?” God asks and points down towards Earth.

“I think they are interesting and with the right leadership they could succeed. Forget all the mumbo jumbo that Jesus told them. Forget that ridiculous “Bible” they wrote. You could change things for the better but instead you just want to destroy it.”

“What is it about pets and children?”

“What do you mean?”

“I’ll just explain it. Eventually the pets die and the children go on to live their own lives. But with this…this is never-ending and it’s not what I want. It was never what I wanted.”

“Then why did you do it?”

“Because I could.”

God walked to his balcony and stepped out on to it. He looked down at Earth. I joined him at his side.

“You are really going to do it aren’t you?”

And he doesn’t answer. Doesn’t even look at me. He just turns and walks away; back inside and disappears into his bedroom and shuts the door. It is then I look down at Earth but it is gone. A wave of sadness comes over me. I turn and walk back inside and Jesus walks over to me.

“You okay?”

“I’ll be fine.”

I walk to my desk and lay my head down. Jesus has followed me.

“Going to sleep?”

“No Jesus, I’m not going to sleep.”

“Oh…guess what?”

“What?”

“I got my penis back.”

For some reason I look in his direction and he his holding his robe up exposing himself.

“That’s wonderful Jesus.”

“I know! Well, I’ll let you sleep. Sweet dreams,” he says as he runs down the hallway.

And I go back to my duties. I will miss Earth and all its inhabitants. I will always hold on to the fact that it could have been something great even without God’s interference. They were just too obsessed with being saved when in truth they just could have saved themselves. But, what the hell do I know.

 

 

 

Here’s the Fucking Spoiler, Everybody Dies

When Janie met Alex she thought he was the bee’s knees. He had long hair and Janie dug that sort of thing. He wasn’t what she normally thought of when she thought of a man she would bring home for her parents to meet and her friends to be jealous of but, Alex rang her fucking bell and she wanted some of that action.

Alex on the other hand…Alex had other plans for Janie.

He took her to his place the night of their meeting. Janie saying she never does things like this, knowing that is a lie (not to say Janie is doing anything wrong, she is living her life and that’s all that matters).

Once inside they have a few drinks. Alex sits in anticipation. Knowing that in just a few moments blood will be spilled.

Janie looks over at Alex who is grinning maniacally. Janie feels something is wrong. She stands and explains that she has work in the morning and that she can’t be late again or she will get fired. Alex tells her it’s funny that she is just bringing this up now if she had known that was the case all along. She responds with people make mistakes and walks towards the door.

Alex stands and catches up to her. He grabs at one of her hands and pulls her towards him. We aren’t finished yet he whispers into her ear.

Janie struggles and breaks free from his grasp. She runs into the kitchen and looks for anything that can be used as a weapon. She grabs the first things she sees; a wooden spoon.

Alex makes an appearance in the kitchen breathing heavily and spit running down his chin. He makes a misogynistic comment about women in the kitchen which really pisses Janie off and gives her the courage to approach Alex. He is put off by this act. He stands drolling and breathing hard.

A smile creeps into the corner of Janie’s mouth. You are a real piece of shit she says then plunges the wooden spoon handle first into Alex’s right eye. He steps backward, his feet become entwined and he falls back. Janie sits on him restraining his arms with her legs and begins to push the spoon deeper into his skull and into his brain. She then begins rotating the spoon, pushing it forward and back like a joystick on an arcade system. Alex screams and tries as hard as he can to push her off but his actions grow weaker until he is still.

Janie feels for a pulse and once she is confident that all life has escaped him does she stand and walk out the front door and once out she starts to run. Her legs taking control and pushing her forward faster and faster, crossing a road without glancing her body is thrown onto the roof of a speeding car.

She is thrown to the side of the road. The car continues on it’s way as if nothing had happened.

Janie lay in pain. Asking anything that was listening why. But the answer never came and Janie was losing a lot of blood. Her body growing weaker. Her eyes closing. Life slipping away.

Bobby loved driving fast and nothing excited his girl Sara more than taking his muscle car out for late night drives. Letting the cool air blow against her skin and the danger of driving at such high speeds gave her a thrill like no other.

Tonight was a special night. For tonight was Bobby’s birthday and Sara wanted to make it a night he would never forget.

They had been driving for half an hour when Sara worked up the courage to tell Bobby he should take his dick out.

He looked over at her suprised. Are you serious he asked. Fuck yes I’m serious she says smiling. As a matter of fact let me just help you with that. She leans over and unbuttons his pants. I don’t think this is a very good idea he says though knowing full well he wants her to do it.

She has his dick in her hand and she looks at him and says don’t be a pussy on your birthday and takes him into her mouth.

Everything is going well until he orgasms causing him to close his eyes which doesn’t allow him to see Janie running across the street then onto the hood of his car and then off into blackness.

What the fuck was that Bobby yells pushing Sara off him. Probably just a deer she says wiping her mouth. Seemed bigger than a deer. Then go back and see. You are right, probably a deer, fucking things run rampant out here.

They drive back home and Bobby looks at the full extent of his damage. Pissed that he will have to pay out of pocket for the repairs Sara tells him to worry about it tomorrow. That there are better things to do right now. And with that they go inside for a night of passion.

The next morning Sara is awoken to Bobby shaking her. He is visibly angry. She asks what is wrong and he tells her that they killed someone last night. That it wasn’t just some goddamn deer. It was a fucking person. She sits there in silence trying to make sense of what she was just told.

How do you know it was us she asks. Don’t be stupid Sara, it was on the road we were on last night when you decided to put my dick in your mouth. We hit her. You know it’s the truth.

Sara continues to sit in silence. You did this. You caused me to take someone’s life he says. You didn’t stop me she says. I didn’t want to be a pussy on my birthday he says.

Sara pauses. What do you want me to say she asks. I don’t know…I don’t think there is anything left too say he says. What do you mean she asks. This is over he says. I don’t want this anymore. You disgust me he says.

Sara begins to cry and runs out of the room. Bobby doesn’t follow. He just sits on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands. A few minutes later Sara returns. Bobby looks up to see her standing in the doorway, blood pouring from her wrists. He stands and runs to her. He grabs her and her legs go out beneath her. What did you do he asks. Without you I am nothing she says then closes her eyes.

Bobby pushes fingers to her neck and feels a light pulse. He stands and grabs his phone and calls for an ambulance, hangs up and goes back to Sara who has slipped away. Her breathing stopped and pulse gone. Bobby breaks down into tears. He holds her and asks why but never gets an answer.

Eventually he stops and stands. Emergency sirens can be heard in the distance. He walks out his front door and continues till he reaches a main road and comes to a bridge. On the bridge his walking slows and he looks over to see the passing cars and without realizing it has climbed onto the ledge and can hear cars behind him stopping and someone getting out of their car and someone asking what are you doing but he doesn’t answer he just stares at the cars below until he leans forward a little and hears someone yell don’t but it’s too late because he is falling and it seems like it is taking days to land until everything goes black.

The Many Quirks of Capital G pt. 2: Somewhere in the Middle

I got to the office late this morning. Rumors were spreading among the Angels that God was pissed. And it all had to do with Jesus.

Jesus, if you don’t know is the son of God and Mary. (Remember before when God wanted to try “mouth stuff”? Well, it led to a pregnancy and little Jesus was born. He sent baby Jesus and Mary to Earth so that they could try and have a normal life but, well, Jesus got a little crazy.

It all started with Jesus performing miracles and other tomfoolery. He went around telling fantastical tales of his father being basically a magician who would do whatever you wanted as long as you believed.

He began to amass followers and acquired a posse of sorts.

He got it in his head that he was special and that he was put on Earth to save it’s people.

He basically started pissing people off so they killed him for it. Now he is back up here and God is furious.

I had just sat at my desk when I was called into the big man’s office. Once inside I saw he was sitting at his desk and Jesus was sitting in a corner mildly shaking.

“You called?”

“You see this idiot?”

“I see him.”

“Tell him what you did Jesus.”

Jesus looks at me, smiles and shrugs his shoulders.

“I was just trying to help,” he says to me.

“Help?” God asks. “How in the hell do call what you did helping? You made them all crazy. They think I’m watching over them giving two shits what they do with their lives,” He looks at me. “They think he’s going to come back and save them from their sins. He took away all their fun. Did you see them before? They were having the greatest time. It was like a party you never wanted to leave. Now they all think they are going to Hell or praising my name thinking I’m going to let their asses in here. Well, that ain’t fucking happening Charlie.”

“They were being gross dad. They had penises in places penises shouldn’t go.”

“Who made you the penis police?” God asks. “If it weren’t for sticking my penis in somewhere it wasn’t made to go, your uppity ass wouldn’t be here.”

Jesus begins to cry and God just sighs.

I sit at the edge of God’s desk and put my head in my hands.

“Let’s just let this plays out,” I say. “Maybe it’ll all just blow over. They will remember how much fun they were having and forget this whole debacle.”

God sighs once again, “I hope you are right.”

And as the years passed we found out…I was not right…I was not right at all.

The Many Quirks of Capitol G pt. 1: The Beginning

I usually just walk in and the past times I’ve done it everything has been okay. This time though…this time I regret not knocking.

Inside the room God is standing at the window. The window is open. As are his pants; exposing the holy penis to my unfortunate eyes.

Another thing I regret is asking what he is doing.

“Watering my newly created plants. What does is look like I’m doing?”

“Pissing out a window.”

“Well my uneducated friend, my excrement is full of nutrients that will help my new world to florish. I’m going to call it…Golden Showers.”

There is a knock at the door. An angel walks in with an envelope and hands it to me. I open and read aloud.

“Thank you Almighty for the glorious rain. Our crops are flourishing. You are an Almighty God.”

“I am pretty great,” He sits at his desk. “What is this ‘rain’ they are talking about?”

“I think they are refering to your golden showers.”

“They are calling it rain? There’s no magnificence in that.”

“From what we are gathering, the atmosphere you built is filtering the color. So when it reaches them it is no longer golden.”

“I see. Can we do away with this atmosphere?”

“No. They need it to survive.”

“Why did I make things so complicated?”

“You were pretty high those six days. I mean, you gave the males nipples. Why?”

“They are going to be questioning that for decades. They’ll find a use for them I’m sure.”

“They’ll probably just start sucking on them, they are sucking on everything else.”

“I know! The penis in the mouth thing, haha. I thought they would understand penis goes in vagina but they just started sticking everything in their mouths.”

“From what we gather it is quite pleasurable.”

“Then more power to them.”

Another knock at the door. This time a cherub enters.

“It is time for your nap Almighty.”

“Very good. Both of you are excused…wait, send in Mary, going to try this mouth thing.”

“Yes sir,” I say because I am a fool that does whatever Capitol G tells him.

I approach Mary and tell her what she is assigned to do. She sighs and head towards the big man’s office.

I walk to my desk and sit. I put my head in my hands and hate my life. There are sometimes that I think working for The Devil would be less stressful. But, we shall see what tomorrow brings.

We Now Join Our Program Already in Progress

-…it’s like those people who think the Earth is flat. It’s a needless conspiracy. There is no gain to be had from having a flat Earth. If there is something to be believed there is someone who will believe it.

-Not this whole rigmarole.

-That rhymed.

-Then just call me Jay-Z.

-Cause you had a hard knock life?

-What?

-You never heard that? He sampled Annie in one of his songs. Do you live under a bridge or something?

-Is that why you brought me here? To complain about my lack of knowledge about Jay-Z?

-I didn’t bring you here. You are acting like I hit you over head and dragged you. You came of your own volition.

-Stop being so literal, you know damn well what I meant.

-Well to answer your question, I brought you here because, well, I just needed someone to talk to. Haven’t been feeling myself lately.

-In what way?

-I feel like I’m floating in someone else’s body. I look in the mirror and don’t even recognize who I am. I usually end up sitting somewhere with my head in my hands aware of the fact that I’m going to die alone.

-You don’t know that, ther…

-Don’t say there is someone out there for everyone. We know that is not true. If it were true we would all be happy in our perfect utopia of happy couples. People end up alone. It’s the way of the world.

-You are too cynical. There in lies one of your problems.

-Should I fake positivity? Should I put this mask on that hides the realities of the shitty world in which we live?

-You make your own happiness.

-You can do everything that you are supposed to do and still fail. Go to college, study for years, still not be successful. Be everything to someone, give them your all, love them truely, still fails.

-What do you think I’m supposed to say here? I can’t solve your problems. Only you have control over your life. I’m sorry you feel these ways but, maybe you should stop complaining and just live your life. You may just one day find happines.

-And pigs will fly.

-And dogs will drive cars.

-And butterflies will reveal their true nature and enslave us in cocoons.

-And a bear will become First Lady.

-And someone will get bored one day and write a bunch of dialogue that goes nowhere and had no real point to begin with and will have no ending point but to write a run-on sentence about the nonsense he had just spewed forth onto the page breaking the fourth wall in a quasi Deadpool type of way though unable to find an ending so it just ends with no conclusion though explaining there is no conclusion kind of becomes it’s conclusion.

Tales of People Dying pt. 16: The Carnival Comes to Town

(This is based on something that may or may not be true. I read about it online so…we know how that is.)

I don’t blame the people who watched me die. It wasn’t their fault. How would they really have known? I mean, with all the ghosts and ghouls and spooks and thrills. How would anyone have known that little ol’ me was gasping for a life saving breath.

My obsession started the day they came to town. I have never seen a real carnival before. The tents and lights and rides galore. It brought my teenage heart to beat at a rhythm dangeously close to explosion.

I wanted to be a part of it. There had to be something I could do. So the second night I emptied my dad’s swear jar and headed to the carnival.

After purchasing a ticket the first thing I did was ride the ferris wheel. I was scared at first, then I got to the top and could see the whole carnival. All the lights and people. I felt like I was in heaven.

When the ride ended I ran to the haunted house. There was a man dressed as a mummy standing outside luring people inside for the fright of their life.

I approached the mummy.

“I want to work here,” I said hastily.

“Is that so?”

“It’s my dream. My heart yearns for it.”

“Well what can you do?”

“I’ll do anything. I can work here, at the haunted house, dress me up and I’ll give these folks a righteous scare.”

“I think I may have something for you, follow me.”

The mummy took me around the back of the haunted house. We entered a door that inside contained a mirror surrounded by lights, bottles of makeup on a table and a rack of tattered clothing.

“Have a seat.”

I did.

“I’ll put some of this makeup on you and you pick out an outfit. Then meet me out back in ten minutes.”

“Aye aye, Captain.”

He covered my face with white and black and grey makeup making me look as if I’d been dead for days. I then selected an outfit and met the mummy outside.

“Excellent,” he said. “Now come with me.”

He led me to a side door that led into the haunted house. We walked to where there was a tree and from the tree hung a noose. He told me the noose would be around my neck but there was nothing to worry about because a safety harness would be holding me up. I said okay and he set me up in the contraption.

As a finishing touch he tied my hands and told me that when someone walks by I am to reach out and groan. I said okay.

So he left me there to hang. I awaited my first victims.

A group of teenagers were coming my way so I closed my eyes and tried to be as motionless as I could be. I could hear them snickering and making fun of the props, saying how fake they looked. So as they were almost past me I reached out for them and let out a ghoulish groan. A male in the group just laughed and pushed me causing me to swing back and forth. It was then that I felt a snap at my back as my harness failed it’s duty.

I felt the noose tighten around my neck. I was hanging there trying to pull any air I could into my lungs. As I was slowly losing consciousness another group of teens walked by. I barely heard as one exclaimed, “That’s fucked up.”

More people passed as my life escaped me. Laughing, gasping, children crying. No one stopping to help. But like I said, how would they have known?

I died that night but I wasn’t angry about it. I died doing something that made my heart beat till it wanted to explode.

It’s just funny that the night I died was the first night I really lived.