The Many Quirks of Capital G pt. 2: Somewhere in the Middle

I got to the office late this morning. Rumors were spreading among the Angels that God was pissed. And it all had to do with Jesus.

Jesus, if you don’t know is the son of God and Mary. (Remember before when God wanted to try “mouth stuff”? Well, it led to a pregnancy and little Jesus was born. He sent baby Jesus and Mary to Earth so that they could try and have a normal life but, well, Jesus got a little crazy.

It all started with Jesus performing miracles and other tomfoolery. He went around telling fantastical tales of his father being basically a magician who would do whatever you wanted as long as you believed.

He began to amass followers and acquired a posse of sorts.

He got it in his head that he was special and that he was put on Earth to save it’s people.

He basically started pissing people off so they killed him for it. Now he is back up here and God is furious.

I had just sat at my desk when I was called into the big man’s office. Once inside I saw he was sitting at his desk and Jesus was sitting in a corner mildly shaking.

“You called?”

“You see this idiot?”

“I see him.”

“Tell him what you did Jesus.”

Jesus looks at me, smiles and shrugs his shoulders.

“I was just trying to help,” he says to me.

“Help?” God asks. “How in the hell do call what you did helping? You made them all crazy. They think I’m watching over them giving two shits what they do with their lives,” He looks at me. “They think he’s going to come back and save them from their sins. He took away all their fun. Did you see them before? They were having the greatest time. It was like a party you never wanted to leave. Now they all think they are going to Hell or praising my name thinking I’m going to let their asses in here. Well, that ain’t fucking happening Charlie.”

“They were being gross dad. They had penises in places penises shouldn’t go.”

“Who made you the penis police?” God asks. “If it weren’t for sticking my penis in somewhere it wasn’t made to go, your uppity ass wouldn’t be here.”

Jesus begins to cry and God just sighs.

I sit at the edge of God’s desk and put my head in my hands.

“Let’s just let this plays out,” I say. “Maybe it’ll all just blow over. They will remember how much fun they were having and forget this whole debacle.”

God sighs once again, “I hope you are right.”

And as the years passed we found out…I was not right…I was not right at all.

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The Many Quirks of Capitol G pt. 1: The Beginning

I usually just walk in and the past times I’ve done it everything has been okay. This time though…this time I regret not knocking.

Inside the room God is standing at the window. The window is open. As are his pants; exposing the holy penis to my unfortunate eyes.

Another thing I regret is asking what he is doing.

“Watering my newly created plants. What does is look like I’m doing?”

“Pissing out a window.”

“Well my uneducated friend, my excrement is full of nutrients that will help my new world to florish. I’m going to call it…Golden Showers.”

There is a knock at the door. An angel walks in with an envelope and hands it to me. I open and read aloud.

“Thank you Almighty for the glorious rain. Our crops are flourishing. You are an Almighty God.”

“I am pretty great,” He sits at his desk. “What is this ‘rain’ they are talking about?”

“I think they are refering to your golden showers.”

“They are calling it rain? There’s no magnificence in that.”

“From what we are gathering, the atmosphere you built is filtering the color. So when it reaches them it is no longer golden.”

“I see. Can we do away with this atmosphere?”

“No. They need it to survive.”

“Why did I make things so complicated?”

“You were pretty high those six days. I mean, you gave the males nipples. Why?”

“They are going to be questioning that for decades. They’ll find a use for them I’m sure.”

“They’ll probably just start sucking on them, they are sucking on everything else.”

“I know! The penis in the mouth thing, haha. I thought they would understand penis goes in vagina but they just started sticking everything in their mouths.”

“From what we gather it is quite pleasurable.”

“Then more power to them.”

Another knock at the door. This time a cherub enters.

“It is time for your nap Almighty.”

“Very good. Both of you are excused…wait, send in Mary, going to try this mouth thing.”

“Yes sir,” I say because I am a fool that does whatever Capitol G tells him.

I approach Mary and tell her what she is assigned to do. She sighs and head towards the big man’s office.

I walk to my desk and sit. I put my head in my hands and hate my life. There are sometimes that I think working for The Devil would be less stressful. But, we shall see what tomorrow brings.

We Now Join Our Program Already in Progress

-…it’s like those people who think the Earth is flat. It’s a needless conspiracy. There is no gain to be had from having a flat Earth. If there is something to be believed there is someone who will believe it.

-Not this whole rigmarole.

-That rhymed.

-Then just call me Jay-Z.

-Cause you had a hard knock life?

-What?

-You never heard that? He sampled Annie in one of his songs. Do you live under a bridge or something?

-Is that why you brought me here? To complain about my lack of knowledge about Jay-Z?

-I didn’t bring you here. You are acting like I hit you over head and dragged you. You came of your own volition.

-Stop being so literal, you know damn well what I meant.

-Well to answer your question, I brought you here because, well, I just needed someone to talk to. Haven’t been feeling myself lately.

-In what way?

-I feel like I’m floating in someone else’s body. I look in the mirror and don’t even recognize who I am. I usually end up sitting somewhere with my head in my hands aware of the fact that I’m going to die alone.

-You don’t know that, ther…

-Don’t say there is someone out there for everyone. We know that is not true. If it were true we would all be happy in our perfect utopia of happy couples. People end up alone. It’s the way of the world.

-You are too cynical. There in lies one of your problems.

-Should I fake positivity? Should I put this mask on that hides the realities of the shitty world in which we live?

-You make your own happiness.

-You can do everything that you are supposed to do and still fail. Go to college, study for years, still not be successful. Be everything to someone, give them your all, love them truely, still fails.

-What do you think I’m supposed to say here? I can’t solve your problems. Only you have control over your life. I’m sorry you feel these ways but, maybe you should stop complaining and just live your life. You may just one day find happines.

-And pigs will fly.

-And dogs will drive cars.

-And butterflies will reveal their true nature and enslave us in cocoons.

-And a bear will become First Lady.

-And someone will get bored one day and write a bunch of dialogue that goes nowhere and had no real point to begin with and will have no ending point but to write a run-on sentence about the nonsense he had just spewed forth onto the page breaking the fourth wall in a quasi Deadpool type of way though unable to find an ending so it just ends with no conclusion though explaining there is no conclusion kind of becomes it’s conclusion.

Tales of People Dying pt. 16: The Carnival Comes to Town

(This is based on something that may or may not be true. I read about it online so…we know how that is.)

I don’t blame the people who watched me die. It wasn’t their fault. How would they really have known? I mean, with all the ghosts and ghouls and spooks and thrills. How would anyone have known that little ol’ me was gasping for a life saving breath.

My obsession started the day they came to town. I have never seen a real carnival before. The tents and lights and rides galore. It brought my teenage heart to beat at a rhythm dangeously close to explosion.

I wanted to be a part of it. There had to be something I could do. So the second night I emptied my dad’s swear jar and headed to the carnival.

After purchasing a ticket the first thing I did was ride the ferris wheel. I was scared at first, then I got to the top and could see the whole carnival. All the lights and people. I felt like I was in heaven.

When the ride ended I ran to the haunted house. There was a man dressed as a mummy standing outside luring people inside for the fright of their life.

I approached the mummy.

“I want to work here,” I said hastily.

“Is that so?”

“It’s my dream. My heart yearns for it.”

“Well what can you do?”

“I’ll do anything. I can work here, at the haunted house, dress me up and I’ll give these folks a righteous scare.”

“I think I may have something for you, follow me.”

The mummy took me around the back of the haunted house. We entered a door that inside contained a mirror surrounded by lights, bottles of makeup on a table and a rack of tattered clothing.

“Have a seat.”

I did.

“I’ll put some of this makeup on you and you pick out an outfit. Then meet me out back in ten minutes.”

“Aye aye, Captain.”

He covered my face with white and black and grey makeup making me look as if I’d been dead for days. I then selected an outfit and met the mummy outside.

“Excellent,” he said. “Now come with me.”

He led me to a side door that led into the haunted house. We walked to where there was a tree and from the tree hung a noose. He told me the noose would be around my neck but there was nothing to worry about because a safety harness would be holding me up. I said okay and he set me up in the contraption.

As a finishing touch he tied my hands and told me that when someone walks by I am to reach out and groan. I said okay.

So he left me there to hang. I awaited my first victims.

A group of teenagers were coming my way so I closed my eyes and tried to be as motionless as I could be. I could hear them snickering and making fun of the props, saying how fake they looked. So as they were almost past me I reached out for them and let out a ghoulish groan. A male in the group just laughed and pushed me causing me to swing back and forth. It was then that I felt a snap at my back as my harness failed it’s duty.

I felt the noose tighten around my neck. I was hanging there trying to pull any air I could into my lungs. As I was slowly losing consciousness another group of teens walked by. I barely heard as one exclaimed, “That’s fucked up.”

More people passed as my life escaped me. Laughing, gasping, children crying. No one stopping to help. But like I said, how would they have known?

I died that night but I wasn’t angry about it. I died doing something that made my heart beat till it wanted to explode.

It’s just funny that the night I died was the first night I really lived.

The Odd Soul pt. 4: Magnus and Her Brave New World

When I got home I threw my computer bag onto the kitchen counter and ran to the bathroom to pee like nobody’s business, which I guess I shouldn’t have shared. Anyway, after that unmentionable act I grabbed my computer and sat on the couch to enjoy some mindless entertainment. Which I could have done if my mindless self hadn’t forgotten my charger. I knew right where it was too. Could just visualize it all alone at the coffee shop table, it wondering what it had done to be so neglected.

Making myself pity an inanimate object I gathered my things and headed back to the coffee shop.

Luckily not many people have made a home there today. Just a couple of elderly folks at a table across the way and a few teenagers sitting at the bar.

I walk over to my table and see it occupied. A male is sitting where I once was and he seems to be staring at me, making me very uncomfortable yet…excited?

I begin walking over to the table and he looks down at his coffee as if I’m blind and didn’t see him burning a hole through me with his eyeballs.

“Hi, I was sitting here like an hour ago..”

“Am I in your seat? I can move no prob…”

“No, no, I just left…”

“This is yours?” he says pulling the charger from his pocket.

“My charger! Yes, he probably thought I was never coming back.” Good job Magnus show all your crazy first-hand.

“He said you would be back. Told me to keep him warm till you did, so I put him in my pocket.”

“Oh, did he now?”

“Sure did. Said his owner was an immaculate beauty that would never abandon him. I was like, an immaculate beauty, huh? He said, you won’t believe your eyes.”

I hadn’t even realized I was sitting across from him now. Who the hell was this guy?

“Who the hell are you?” I ask in a raspy whisperish tone.

“I’m Scott,” he replies mid laugh. “Who the hell are you?”

“I don’t want to say.”

“Why? Are you famous or something?”

“If I were famous I wouldn’t have to tell you who I am, you would already know.”

“Maybe I do, just seeing if you will tell the truth.”

“I’m not famous, I just don’t want you to laugh.”

“At what? Your name? Why would I laugh at your name?”

“It’s not a conventional name.”

“Like Scott.”

“Exactly.”

“I promise I won’t laugh.”

“You better not or your shins will feel my wrath.”

“I’m going to shit myself in suspense.”

Who says something like that…besides Alice that is. I look him in the eyes and he seems genuine enough.

“My name is Magnus.”

“Who named you? Mom or Dad?”

“My mom. My dad wanted to call me Carol.”

“Yikes. Imagine if you were a Carol.”

“I’d probably wear more tube socks.” The fuck does that mean?, I contemplate in my mind.

He just smiles and says, “Exactly.”

We sit for a few seconds in comfortable silence. He takes a sip of his coffee keeping his eyes on me, a slight smile creeps into the right corner of his mouth. He sets the coffee down.

“What are you doing tomorrow night?”

“This is pretty much all I do.”

“Flirt with strangers?”

“No, sit at this coffee shop.”

“You a writer?”

“How’d you guess?”

“Coffee shop, computer charger, the tells are all there.”

“I haven’t shown my cards yet. Still have some surprises.”

“Don’t we all,” he pauses. “So, tomorrow night?”

“Right, I have an interview but after that I’m pretty free.”

“Got a pen?”

I reach into my pocket and pull out a red pen. He takes it from me and grabs my hand.

“Meet me here, eight o’clock.”

“Is this your sex dungeon?”

“If only,” he chuckles. “I wish. Seriously, there’s a good band playing there, you’ll dig them.”

“How do you know I’m not only into gangster rap?”

“Because you look intelligent.”

“Touche.”

He stands. Walks beside me. Leans in close to my face. I really thought he was going to kiss me.

“You better be there,” he whispers.

“Why,” I whisper back.

“Because you’ll never forgive yourself.”

He leans back and walks out the door. I try not to turn around and watch him leave but I cannot control myself. For that was the strangest and most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me.

The Odd Soul pt. 2: Does Magnus Dream of Electric Sheep?

The most difficult thing in, well, anything is beginning. Relationships, novels, movies, etc. How do I hook you into caring about what I have to say? Who am I anyway? What nerve do I have to ask you to take the time out of your day to read about the going ons in my jacked up head.

But here in lies the truth. I’m not writing this for you. I’m writing this for myself. And if the world reads it, great. If no one reads it that’s great too. It will be out there for the world and for myself.

So here is where we are. My name is Magnus Fairchild. I’m twenty-seven years old, obsessed with the universe and all it entails.

Currently I sit in the coffee shop down the block from my apartment that I go to just about every day to write nonsense.

A friend of mine meets me here every now and then. She should be here in a few minutes and that is where this tale really starts.

————

She entered with power. Swinging the door with a gust of might that would make a body builder jealous. All the patrons of the coffee shop were looking her way. Giving disapproving looks and wondering how a girl so small could be responsible for this ruckus.

She just stood in the doorway. Breathing heavily. Arms out at her sides. Fists clenched. She reminded me of a comic book heroine who had just had the shit kicked out of her but gained a second wind and was back to kick ass.

She finally looked my way. Smiled and waved and forgot the scene she had just caused.

She sat across from me, taking my coffee to her lips and downing about a third of it.

“Check this shit out,” she says. “He texts me last night, ‘I can’t date anyone that doesn’t have any direction in life’. He says, ‘Where are your goals, your hopes and dreams?’.”

“What did you say?”

“I said, motherfucker I’ve been supporting your ass for the past year while you go around to sing acoustic Bon Jovi covers. I may be lost at the moment but at least I’m not embarrassing myself every night.”

“You said that?”

“Yeah.”

“Show me.”

Alice takes out her phone, pushes a few buttons and hands it to me.

“Did he really respond with, ‘There’s nothing wrong with Bon Jovi’?”

“Yup. Then he blocked my number. Tried to call him but just got a recording saying ‘This user has call restrictions’. Last “musician” I ever date.”

“See, you have goals.”

“Hardy har. I am so hungry I could ride a horse.”

She walks over to the counter and orders more food than I could ever dream of eating. She returns and begins inhaling the lot.

“Anything new in your love life.”

“Nothing new. Still nonexistent. I have more important things to worry about. Did I tell you I have an interview?”

“Doing what?”

“Staff writer. Apparently some somebody stumbled on my blog. Said I’m just the kind of “quirky” they are looking for. We’ll see how it goes. Probably have me writing on a teen show about blowjobs or something.”

“Well, good on you,” she finishes her last pastry. “My shift starts in like twenty minutes and I gotta run home and shower; I probably smell like a horses ass.”

“You are all about horses today.”

“Eh, fuck it you know, horses today, cats tomorrow. In the end we are all just food for the worms.”

And it’s things like that make me love her.

“Get out of here shit breath.”

“Fuck you cuntbag,” she yells back at me as she slams through the entrance.

I sigh heavily and look around the coffee shop. Watching as a line forms at the counter, the patrons waiting nervously for their afternoon pick me up.

I look at them and wonder what led them to this place at this time. The coincidences of life that lead us to that next step or next relationship. How if one thing had gone another way you wouldn’t be were you are now. If you had gone to bed ten minutes earlier you wouldn’t have met that person you can’t stop thinking about.

People are so quick to put it all on the invisible man. I’ve just never had that much faith in the man upstairs. Guess I’m just too set in reality, I don’t really know.

I stop sitting there like a weirdo and gather my things and head out into the world. I think about going home but would probably just end up staring at a wall or falling asleep.

So I walk. And I walk and walk. Not knowing that in about an hour I will meet someone who changes my life.

The Odd Soul pt. 1: Magnus and The Long Tomorrow

Magnus never liked being a teenager. She thought it was for the birds. All throughout her teens she would write stories and draw pictures of herself as an adult. Going to fancy parties. Clinking wine glasses with high society. The things she thought adults did.

It wasn’t until she was eighteen and her mother kicked out of the house that she realized that the best time to be alive was when you had no responsibilities.

But she learned quickly enough. Got a job waiting tables as she wrote plays.

She became friends with another waitress that opened her home giving her a place to sleep and a place to imagine.

For Magnus was talented. More talented than she would ever admit. She wrote and wrote, never overly confident in what she was writing but believed it was pretty good. She always kept it to herself. Her strange little tales lived only for her.

Then at the age of twenty-three, tired of waiting tables she decided she would make something out of her life.

This is her tale. A tale of love and loss and the hardships of being alive. Told in the exact way she would tell it. In a way only she can tell.

Come with me as we join Magnus at the age of twenty-seven as she sits in a coffee shop starting her day…