I got to the office late this morning. Rumors were spreading among the Angels that God was pissed. And it all had to do with Jesus.
Jesus, if you don’t know is the son of God and Mary. (Remember before when God wanted to try “mouth stuff”? Well, it led to a pregnancy and little Jesus was born. He sent baby Jesus and Mary to Earth so that they could try and have a normal life but, well, Jesus got a little crazy.
It all started with Jesus performing miracles and other tomfoolery. He went around telling fantastical tales of his father being basically a magician who would do whatever you wanted as long as you believed.
He began to amass followers and acquired a posse of sorts.
He got it in his head that he was special and that he was put on Earth to save it’s people.
He basically started pissing people off so they killed him for it. Now he is back up here and God is furious.
I had just sat at my desk when I was called into the big man’s office. Once inside I saw he was sitting at his desk and Jesus was sitting in a corner mildly shaking.
“You see this idiot?”
“I see him.”
“Tell him what you did Jesus.”
Jesus looks at me, smiles and shrugs his shoulders.
“I was just trying to help,” he says to me.
“Help?” God asks. “How in the hell do call what you did helping? You made them all crazy. They think I’m watching over them giving two shits what they do with their lives,” He looks at me. “They think he’s going to come back and save them from their sins. He took away all their fun. Did you see them before? They were having the greatest time. It was like a party you never wanted to leave. Now they all think they are going to Hell or praising my name thinking I’m going to let their asses in here. Well, that ain’t fucking happening Charlie.”
“They were being gross dad. They had penises in places penises shouldn’t go.”
“Who made you the penis police?” God asks. “If it weren’t for sticking my penis in somewhere it wasn’t made to go, your uppity ass wouldn’t be here.”
Jesus begins to cry and God just sighs.
I sit at the edge of God’s desk and put my head in my hands.
“Let’s just let this plays out,” I say. “Maybe it’ll all just blow over. They will remember how much fun they were having and forget this whole debacle.”
God sighs once again, “I hope you are right.”
And as the years passed we found out…I was not right…I was not right at all.