Facebook Shorts Vol. 2

More crap I put on Facebook. Just a bunch of little dialogues. Enjoy?

1.

“Do you ever take anything seriously?”

“No.”

“You should really start.”

“I just shit myself.”

2.

“What about that guy?”

“He looks like the type of guy who finds The Big Bang Theory funny.”

“Doesn’t look smart.”

“Exactly. Probably watches Will Ferrell movies and listens to rap. Thinks he knows the plight of the black man because he listened to a Kendrick Lamar album. I bet he writes raps and thinks they are so clever. Dreams of being the next Eminem.”

“Go ask him.”

“What?”

“I want to see if you are right.”

She stands and walks to the male’s table. Has a seat across from him.

“Hi.”

“Yo,” he says with a nod of his head.

“Saw you sitting here and I don’t know, what do you want to do with your life?”

“I write raps. You know express my inner being.”

“Right…you hear the new Kendrick Lamar?”

“Yo, that shit is deep, yo.”

“Jesus Christ,” she stands and walks back to her table.

“Were you right?”

“I should be a fucking fortune teller.”

She looks up and the male is standing by her table.

“Thought maybe I could call you sometimes.”

“You don’t need to put an s at the end of sometime. And no. You cannot.”

“What the fuck girl? You come over there mess with my head like that?”

“Honestly? Yes.”

“Why you be like that?”

“Cause the sky is blue.”

“Man, fuck you bitches.”

He storms out of the coffee house.

“You made that thug cry.”

“I’m sure he’ll tell his parents all about it.”

The two girls laugh like there is no tomorrow.

3.

“People need to stop worrying about if Jesus loves them and learn to love themselves. The world would be a much happier place.”

“Aren’t you worried about going to Hell?”

“I really don’t care which hotel I stay in when I’m dead. Dead is fucking dead. I mean what’s the difference? In Heaven you get complementary towels. In Hell they don’t leave a mint on your pillow. It’s like choosing toothpaste…tartar control or whitening…same shit different label.”

4.

“When people pray before eating is that like a one shot deal? What happens if you interrupt them? I mean what would the purpose serve if you could just bless it like a million times?”

“If you try to start again the face of Jesus appears before you…kind of like in Jurassic Park when they are trying to restore the power but Nedry put that program the keeps saying, ‘Nuh uh uh’ and won’t let you go any further. You just have to hope for the best.”

“That’s the part where Samuel L. Jackson says, ‘Hold on to your butts’.”

“Yeah sure. Why are you asking me this? Do you pray before you eat?.”

“Nah. What’s the point? Thank you Jesus for this delicious meal? I get it if you worked for that meal. If you hadn’t eaten in like a week and had to kill a bear or something. If you had to struggle like a fucking caveman then yes, praying before you eat is justified. Cause that’s a real thank God for this fucking meal. Going to McDonald’s…shit all you had to do was open your wallet.”

“I saw, I don’t know, some weird Jesusy teenagerish guy pray before eating a pop tart a few days back.”

“You know what pop tarts are right? They are a metaphor for rebirth in Christ. You unwrap this pastry. Sexy little beasts that they are all you can think about is putting your mouth all over it. But you can’t yet. I mean you could but it’s kind of powdery, a little strange, like it’s been through some shit. So you put it in the toaster where it stews in that firey abyss. Remembering all the sinful things that it did in it’s short life. It’s then the torture ends. It atones and pops up a little slice of heaven.”

“I fucking hate you.”

“It’s true.”

“Oh no…I’m done talking to you.”

5.

Internet: So I see you’re doing a little writing…that’s nice.

Me: Oh thanks. Took me a few minutes to get in the swing of things but it’s going pretty well.

Internet: Well gee…that sure is swell. Let me just shut myself off so you don’t have anymore distractions.

Me: Wait…what?

(Silence)

Me: You do know that the program that I started writing this on is web based and requires an internet connection.

Internet: That’s just an excuse so you can watch some more cat videos.

Me: No, It’s really not. I kind of need you right now.

Internet: Don’t care! Bye!

Me: Damn you Tom Jones!

Tom: Hey chap, what you blaming me for?

Me: Well Tom, if your songs weren’t so soothing to my soul I would have been paying more attention to getting some writing done before the internet decided it wanted to be a dick.

Tom: It fucked right off, didn’t it lad?

Me: Yes Tom. It fucked right the hell off.

Tom: You know…that’s not unusual.

Me: Go to hell Tom.

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The Many Quirks of Capital G pt. 3: The End

The day it started nobody knew exactly what God was doing. His explanation wasn’t very reassuring.

“For thousands of years, ever since dingbat over there, yeah, you Jesus, told them I was someone to worship they have been talking about ‘The End Times’. So, I’m giving it to them. I’m sick of hear their whiny voices. Plus, they have ruined everything I made. Fucking unappreciative little shits is what they are. They deserve this. I gave them something glorious and they turned it to shit. So if they all want to die, so be it.”

“They also think they are coming here.”

“Haha, fuck that noise. Last thing I want is a bunch of assholes following me around.”

“They aren’t that bad. I mean, Ted Danson is pretty nice,” Jesus says.

“That’s enough out of you Jesus.”

“But Dad…”

“Say one more word.”

“Ted…”

God looked at Jesus with a scornful eye. Jesus then placed his hand on his crotch and screamed.

“What did you do?”

“I took away his penis.”

“What now?”

“I evaporated his penis.”

“Why are you so obsessed with penises?”

“Why are you not obsessed with penises?”

“I don’t have time to think about penises. Ninety-nine percent of my time is spent making sure you don’t do something stupid which, apparently I’m not good at.”

“Name one thing I’ve done that was stupid.”

“Let’s see…pretty much everything since you made that place.”

“So you agree, it needs to go.”

“I agree it is a catastrophe. But to eradicate the entire planet…I don’t know.”

“They are just going to do it themselves. It’s what they want.”

“What they want is for you to save them.”

“Wasn’t the plan.”

“What was the plan?”

“Why do you care? Do you like them?” God asks and points down towards Earth.

“I think they are interesting and with the right leadership they could succeed. Forget all the mumbo jumbo that Jesus told them. Forget that ridiculous “Bible” they wrote. You could change things for the better but instead you just want to destroy it.”

“What is it about pets and children?”

“What do you mean?”

“I’ll just explain it. Eventually the pets die and the children go on to live their own lives. But with this…this is never-ending and it’s not what I want. It was never what I wanted.”

“Then why did you do it?”

“Because I could.”

God walked to his balcony and stepped out on to it. He looked down at Earth. I joined him at his side.

“You are really going to do it aren’t you?”

And he doesn’t answer. Doesn’t even look at me. He just turns and walks away; back inside and disappears into his bedroom and shuts the door. It is then I look down at Earth but it is gone. A wave of sadness comes over me. I turn and walk back inside and Jesus walks over to me.

“You okay?”

“I’ll be fine.”

I walk to my desk and lay my head down. Jesus has followed me.

“Going to sleep?”

“No Jesus, I’m not going to sleep.”

“Oh…guess what?”

“What?”

“I got my penis back.”

For some reason I look in his direction and he his holding his robe up exposing himself.

“That’s wonderful Jesus.”

“I know! Well, I’ll let you sleep. Sweet dreams,” he says as he runs down the hallway.

And I go back to my duties. I will miss Earth and all its inhabitants. I will always hold on to the fact that it could have been something great even without God’s interference. They were just too obsessed with being saved when in truth they just could have saved themselves. But, what the hell do I know.

 

 

 

Here’s the Fucking Spoiler, Everybody Dies

When Janie met Alex she thought he was the bee’s knees. He had long hair and Janie dug that sort of thing. He wasn’t what she normally thought of when she thought of a man she would bring home for her parents to meet and her friends to be jealous of but, Alex rang her fucking bell and she wanted some of that action.

Alex on the other hand…Alex had other plans for Janie.

He took her to his place the night of their meeting. Janie saying she never does things like this, knowing that is a lie (not to say Janie is doing anything wrong, she is living her life and that’s all that matters).

Once inside they have a few drinks. Alex sits in anticipation. Knowing that in just a few moments blood will be spilled.

Janie looks over at Alex who is grinning maniacally. Janie feels something is wrong. She stands and explains that she has work in the morning and that she can’t be late again or she will get fired. Alex tells her it’s funny that she is just bringing this up now if she had known that was the case all along. She responds with people make mistakes and walks towards the door.

Alex stands and catches up to her. He grabs at one of her hands and pulls her towards him. We aren’t finished yet he whispers into her ear.

Janie struggles and breaks free from his grasp. She runs into the kitchen and looks for anything that can be used as a weapon. She grabs the first things she sees; a wooden spoon.

Alex makes an appearance in the kitchen breathing heavily and spit running down his chin. He makes a misogynistic comment about women in the kitchen which really pisses Janie off and gives her the courage to approach Alex. He is put off by this act. He stands drolling and breathing hard.

A smile creeps into the corner of Janie’s mouth. You are a real piece of shit she says then plunges the wooden spoon handle first into Alex’s right eye. He steps backward, his feet become entwined and he falls back. Janie sits on him restraining his arms with her legs and begins to push the spoon deeper into his skull and into his brain. She then begins rotating the spoon, pushing it forward and back like a joystick on an arcade system. Alex screams and tries as hard as he can to push her off but his actions grow weaker until he is still.

Janie feels for a pulse and once she is confident that all life has escaped him does she stand and walk out the front door and once out she starts to run. Her legs taking control and pushing her forward faster and faster, crossing a road without glancing her body is thrown onto the roof of a speeding car.

She is thrown to the side of the road. The car continues on it’s way as if nothing had happened.

Janie lay in pain. Asking anything that was listening why. But the answer never came and Janie was losing a lot of blood. Her body growing weaker. Her eyes closing. Life slipping away.

Bobby loved driving fast and nothing excited his girl Sara more than taking his muscle car out for late night drives. Letting the cool air blow against her skin and the danger of driving at such high speeds gave her a thrill like no other.

Tonight was a special night. For tonight was Bobby’s birthday and Sara wanted to make it a night he would never forget.

They had been driving for half an hour when Sara worked up the courage to tell Bobby he should take his dick out.

He looked over at her suprised. Are you serious he asked. Fuck yes I’m serious she says smiling. As a matter of fact let me just help you with that. She leans over and unbuttons his pants. I don’t think this is a very good idea he says though knowing full well he wants her to do it.

She has his dick in her hand and she looks at him and says don’t be a pussy on your birthday and takes him into her mouth.

Everything is going well until he orgasms causing him to close his eyes which doesn’t allow him to see Janie running across the street then onto the hood of his car and then off into blackness.

What the fuck was that Bobby yells pushing Sara off him. Probably just a deer she says wiping her mouth. Seemed bigger than a deer. Then go back and see. You are right, probably a deer, fucking things run rampant out here.

They drive back home and Bobby looks at the full extent of his damage. Pissed that he will have to pay out of pocket for the repairs Sara tells him to worry about it tomorrow. That there are better things to do right now. And with that they go inside for a night of passion.

The next morning Sara is awoken to Bobby shaking her. He is visibly angry. She asks what is wrong and he tells her that they killed someone last night. That it wasn’t just some goddamn deer. It was a fucking person. She sits there in silence trying to make sense of what she was just told.

How do you know it was us she asks. Don’t be stupid Sara, it was on the road we were on last night when you decided to put my dick in your mouth. We hit her. You know it’s the truth.

Sara continues to sit in silence. You did this. You caused me to take someone’s life he says. You didn’t stop me she says. I didn’t want to be a pussy on my birthday he says.

Sara pauses. What do you want me to say she asks. I don’t know…I don’t think there is anything left too say he says. What do you mean she asks. This is over he says. I don’t want this anymore. You disgust me he says.

Sara begins to cry and runs out of the room. Bobby doesn’t follow. He just sits on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands. A few minutes later Sara returns. Bobby looks up to see her standing in the doorway, blood pouring from her wrists. He stands and runs to her. He grabs her and her legs go out beneath her. What did you do he asks. Without you I am nothing she says then closes her eyes.

Bobby pushes fingers to her neck and feels a light pulse. He stands and grabs his phone and calls for an ambulance, hangs up and goes back to Sara who has slipped away. Her breathing stopped and pulse gone. Bobby breaks down into tears. He holds her and asks why but never gets an answer.

Eventually he stops and stands. Emergency sirens can be heard in the distance. He walks out his front door and continues till he reaches a main road and comes to a bridge. On the bridge his walking slows and he looks over to see the passing cars and without realizing it has climbed onto the ledge and can hear cars behind him stopping and someone getting out of their car and someone asking what are you doing but he doesn’t answer he just stares at the cars below until he leans forward a little and hears someone yell don’t but it’s too late because he is falling and it seems like it is taking days to land until everything goes black.

The Odd Soul pt. 3: Does Magnus Have Time Enough For Love?

We join Scott Brewer one year before he runs into our lovely Magnus. He is in a bed being brought to life from the ringing of a telephone. He answers without looking and in a groggy state says…

“Hello?”

“Hey.”

“Thought you were off today. Why aren’t you home keeping my butt warm?”

“We need to talk.”

“About my butt?”

“I’m not coming home.”

“Tonight?”

“Ever.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Look, I’m starting a new chapter in my life. One that doesn’t involve you.”

“So just like that you are throwing away three years of friendship, for what?”

“Things have happened. And besides, it seems like the past months we haven’t been able to stand the sight of each other. Look, I don’t want to say anymore. This is what it is and nothing is going to change that…I have to go,” she hangs up.

Scott continues to lay in bed; staring at the ceiling he wonders, in his own words, what the fuck just happened?

It wasn’t until months later that he learned the truth. His girlfriend of three years left him that night to be with someone else. At first he was heartbroken. But that heartbreak soon turned to the realization that she wasn’t someone he should pine over. That if she were capable of doing that to him then she wasn’t worth the time.

So he continued to live his life. Singing in his band, going to pet stores to play with the adoptable pets thinking maybe he should just break down and adopt one. For as much as he hated to admit it, loneliness overwhelmed him. Unbeknownst to him his loneliness was in the process of ending.

It is here that we join our soon to be lovers. Scott left his house this morning feeling relieved for the first time in a long time. Things just seemed to be going his way. At every cross walk he approached, signaled for him to continue on his way without stopping. He stubbed his toe on the corner of a mailbox which led to him kneeling down to examine the injury, in turn finding a twenty-dollar bill.

It was with this twenty dollars that led him to the coffee shop that our Magnus had just left. The coffee shop that Magnus was quickly returning to look for her misplaced computer charger.

Let’s move along and continue this tale for here it changes everything.

 

Tales of People Dying pt. 12: The Shitty Birthday Present Prank

“He got me a fucking Celine Dion cd. Told me we are so in love and that she’s all about love so it is the perfect gift.”

“Eww, what’d you say?”

“I didn’t say shit. I set it down, smiled and carried on with my business. He stood there like a lump for a few minutes then went back to watching Game of Thrones or some shit.”

“What a fucking retard.”

“I got him back though.”

“Oh really? What’d you do?”

“You wanna see?”

“Do dicks taste like burritos?”

“What?”

“Sorry, I’m trying out new sayings. Yes I want to see.”

The two girls venture outside to a storage shed of sorts that resides behind the house they currently occupy. Inside the shed is dark and a muffled, desperate cry can be heard emanating from the far left corner. A light is turned on and revealed is a male tied to a chair with a pillowcase covering his head.

“I kidnapped his fucking arse, ” says Kara trying to speak in a British accent.

Jen leans in close to Kara and whispers, “Is this for real?”

“As real as sliced bread.”

“What are you doing? This is insane.”

“I’m going to torture him,” Kara says in a maniacal manner.

A muffled “Hello” emits from the corner.

“This is illegal,” says Jen.

“Illegal…ha…this is fun. Besides he deserves it.”

“What for? Watching Game of Thrones?”

“I’m going to start.”

Kara approaches the male. He is shirtless. Kara grabs a tub of petroleum jelly and rubs it onto the male’s chest.

“What are you doing?” asks Jen.

“Electrocution.”

“No. What are you doing?”

“Winging it.”

Kara reveals a battery that has a set of jumper cables connected. Jen steps closer and notices the male’s feet submerged in a bucket of water. 

“Here we go,” Kara says as she tests the electric flow through the cables and creating sparks.

She stands in front of the male and touches his chest with each end sending an electric current through the male causing him to seize and kicking forward turning over the bucket.

Kara pulls the cables away and looks at Jen.

“Can you be a doll and fill that up for me?”

“I really don’t want to be involved.”

“Don’t be a bitch Jen.”

Jen mumbles something but grabs the metal bucket and takes it to a hose. Fills the bucket and brings it back to Kara.

“I’m not being a bitch. I’m so out of here.”

“Jen…”

Jen walks past Kara and not paying attention trips on the jumper cables pulling them from Kara’s hands. Jen tries to catch her balance but loses it falling forward onto the metal bucket. Her left arm landing inside it. Inside the metal bucket that the jumper cables had also fallen into. 

Jen lay violently twitching on the floor of the shed. Kara watched in an enthusiastic fascination. 

Kara, then realizing the outcome that may arise, she runs to the battery disconnecting the cables.

She leans over Jen. Seeing no breathing she searches for a pulse. None can be found. 

Kara looks at the male. 

“Well…what now?”

Tales of People Dying pt. 10: The Ghost

Mr. Peabody had lived on the top floor of his apartment building for the past thirty-four years. When he first moved in his neighbors warned him of the spirits that haunted his new place of residence. He chose to ignore them and for the entirety of his stay had never seen a single ghostly figure.

But on this night that would all change. His night began as any other. Cooking a nutritious meal and sitting in his favorite chair to watch a mediocre television show to pass the time till he fell asleep.

He had just finished preparing his meal and sat down when the noise started outside. A horrible ruckus of shouting and expletives seemed to be coming from right outside his window. He walked to it, opened it and saw two teenage kids wrestling with each other. He shouted down to them, “Can you please keep it down?”. For which the teenagers just laughed. Mr. Peabody walked to the kitchen and filled a bowl with cold water. He took it back to the window and poured it on the two teenagers. The action was met with more expletives. Mr. Peabody smiled and went back to his chair; turning up the television to drown out any noise.

_____

The two teenagers were not happy about the old man dumping water on them. One of them had a plan.

“That old man lives in the Adam’s apartment. Shit’s supposed to be haunted as fuck. I say we scare the shit out of that old man.”

“What do we do?”

“My Dad is the landlord of this shithole. I can get keys to any of the apartments. I say we sneak in, pretend to be ghosts and scare the shit out of the dirt bag.”

“That sounds aces. I’m in.”

So the teens go inside and find the key and a couple of white sheets and slowly make their way to Mr. Peabody’s.

They can hear the television from outside his door. One of the teens takes the key and without making a noise turns the lock. The door opens and the two slip inside. It is dark inside and they can see the glow of the television and the sleeping Mr. Peabody in a reclining chair. They sneak past him and enter the kitchen. They place their sheets over their heads. One of the teens grabs a couple of glasses and throws them one by one towards the reclining chair until Mr. Peabody wakes. He sits up frantically. Desperately trying to stand he pulls himself up and walks around the chair to find the broken glasses. A wind comes in through his open window blowing his curtains and directing his attention. The teens use this as their opportunity. They exit the kitchen and slowly make their way towards Mr.Peabody. He sees them and steps backwards. His bare feet connecting with the broken glass which causes him to lose balance. One teen starts to make scary noises and in a gruff voice says, “Get out!”

Still trying to catch his balance Mr. Peabody steps on another shard of glass. Blood has begun to seep from his wounds. His wounded foot falls in the mix of blood and glass causing him to slip and fall backwards. He outstretches a hand but catches nothing. For the only handhold around would have been his window, which remained opened due to the disturbances from the two teens.

Mr. Peabody’s hand exited the window. Followed by his upper body. He tried to grab at anything to try and pull himself back in but to no avail. His upper body weight pulled him forward. Sliding him out the window and falling to the concrete below.

The teens ran to the window. Throwing off their sheets and looking at the crumpled body that lay beneath them.

“He’s gonna move. He’s gonna be okay.”

“We have to do something.”

They watch as Mr.Peabody continues to lay still. They see a car driving up the road. It pulls over and a figure runs to the body. The two teens duck their heads inside.

“He’ll be fine. We gotta go.”

They gather up their things and exit the apartment.

_____

As Mr.Peabody lay waiting for what he knew was coming he lay there trying to figure out why after thirty years of silence the ghosts would do this to him now. He figured he had always been a good tenant. That they lived in a peacefulness. Never getting in each other’s way. He died that night in a state of wonder. His last thoughts on the mysteries of the world and what lay ahead of him. He smiled at the thought and closed his eyes.

Tales of People Dying pt. 9: The Clown

The clown never expected today to be his last day. If he had, maybe he would have gone home and changed out of his costume and not have tried to be a hero. But this was the life of the clown. Nothing ever went the way he expected. Though in his final minutes he kept true to himself.

The clown entered the convenience store with the hopes of picking up a soda, a candy bar and maybe a six-pack of cheap beer and exit quickly back to his house to take a shower and lay on his couch while watching episodes of television he had seen plenty of times before. It was while standing at the beer cooler that he heard the bells of the door ringing. He had no reason to suspect any foul play to be afoot, hundreds of people walk through that door everyday. But then he heard the shouting.

He turned to the commotion and saw a figure waving something that looked like a gun in the store worker’s face. The clown knew that this could escalate into something where a life could be taken. He made a decision.

He walked to the young man with the gun.

“Well helllllooooo there sonny!,”the clown said.

The gunman looked at the clown in a confused manner.

“What the fuck is this?”

“Wow there sonny, that’s no way to speak to a friend and Chuckles here is everybody’s friend!”

“You got to be shittin’ me.”

The gunman looked back at the store clerk, “Keep putting the money in the bag you fuck!”.

The clerk does as told. The clown starts to run in circles running into a wire rack holding magazines. He falls with a crash. Jumps back to his feet bellowing a ridiculous laugh. He then goes to one knee outstretches his hands above his head and says,”Ta daa!”. The gunman looks at him. This is when the clown squirts the gunman in the face with a stream of water from a flower that is attached to his shirt.

“What the fuck man!”

The gunman not taking kindly to the clown’s act hits the clown in the back of the head with the butt of his gun. The clown falls hard face forward, his head bouncing off the hard tile. The clown blinks trying to clear his vision. All he sees is the blood seeping from his head collecting in a puddle in front of him and a red ball that he recognizes a his nose.

When the gunman’s business is complete he turns to run out of the store. The clown can only see his feet. He watches as the gunman’s foot steps on his nose. A squeak emits from underneath the sneaker. The clown silently laughs to himself and smiles as he closes his eyes.