Tales of People Dying pt. 12: The Shitty Birthday Present Prank

“He got me a fucking Celine Dion cd. Told me we are so in love and that she’s all about love so it is the perfect gift.”

“Eww, what’d you say?”

“I didn’t say shit. I set it down, smiled and carried on with my business. He stood there like a lump for a few minutes then went back to watching Game of Thrones or some shit.”

“What a fucking retard.”

“I got him back though.”

“Oh really? What’d you do?”

“You wanna see?”

“Do dicks taste like burritos?”


“Sorry, I’m trying out new sayings. Yes I want to see.”

The two girls venture outside to a storage shed of sorts that resides behind the house they currently occupy. Inside the shed is dark and a muffled, desperate cry can be heard emanating from the far left corner. A light is turned on and revealed is a male tied to a chair with a pillowcase covering his head.

“I kidnapped his fucking arse, ” says Kara trying to speak in a British accent.

Jen leans in close to Kara and whispers, “Is this for real?”

“As real as sliced bread.”

“What are you doing? This is insane.”

“I’m going to torture him,” Kara says in a maniacal manner.

A muffled “Hello” emits from the corner.

“This is illegal,” says Jen.

“Illegal…ha…this is fun. Besides he deserves it.”

“What for? Watching Game of Thrones?”

“I’m going to start.”

Kara approaches the male. He is shirtless. Kara grabs a tub of petroleum jelly and rubs it onto the male’s chest.

“What are you doing?” asks Jen.


“No. What are you doing?”

“Winging it.”

Kara reveals a battery that has a set of jumper cables connected. Jen steps closer and notices the male’s feet submerged in a bucket of water. 

“Here we go,” Kara says as she tests the electric flow through the cables and creating sparks.

She stands in front of the male and touches his chest with each end sending an electric current through the male causing him to seize and kicking forward turning over the bucket.

Kara pulls the cables away and looks at Jen.

“Can you be a doll and fill that up for me?”

“I really don’t want to be involved.”

“Don’t be a bitch Jen.”

Jen mumbles something but grabs the metal bucket and takes it to a hose. Fills the bucket and brings it back to Kara.

“I’m not being a bitch. I’m so out of here.”


Jen walks past Kara and not paying attention trips on the jumper cables pulling them from Kara’s hands. Jen tries to catch her balance but loses it falling forward onto the metal bucket. Her left arm landing inside it. Inside the metal bucket that the jumper cables had also fallen into. 

Jen lay violently twitching on the floor of the shed. Kara watched in an enthusiastic fascination. 

Kara, then realizing the outcome that may arise, she runs to the battery disconnecting the cables.

She leans over Jen. Seeing no breathing she searches for a pulse. None can be found. 

Kara looks at the male. 

“Well…what now?”


Tales of People Dying pt. 10: The Ghost

Mr. Peabody had lived on the top floor of his apartment building for the past thirty-four years. When he first moved in his neighbors warned him of the spirits that haunted his new place of residence. He chose to ignore them and for the entirety of his stay had never seen a single ghostly figure.

But on this night that would all change. His night began as any other. Cooking a nutritious meal and sitting in his favorite chair to watch a mediocre television show to pass the time till he fell asleep.

He had just finished preparing his meal and sat down when the noise started outside. A horrible ruckus of shouting and expletives seemed to be coming from right outside his window. He walked to it, opened it and saw two teenage kids wrestling with each other. He shouted down to them, “Can you please keep it down?”. For which the teenagers just laughed. Mr. Peabody walked to the kitchen and filled a bowl with cold water. He took it back to the window and poured it on the two teenagers. The action was met with more expletives. Mr. Peabody smiled and went back to his chair; turning up the television to drown out any noise.


The two teenagers were not happy about the old man dumping water on them. One of them had a plan.

“That old man lives in the Adam’s apartment. Shit’s supposed to be haunted as fuck. I say we scare the shit out of that old man.”

“What do we do?”

“My Dad is the landlord of this shithole. I can get keys to any of the apartments. I say we sneak in, pretend to be ghosts and scare the shit out of the dirt bag.”

“That sounds aces. I’m in.”

So the teens go inside and find the key and a couple of white sheets and slowly make their way to Mr. Peabody’s.

They can hear the television from outside his door. One of the teens takes the key and without making a noise turns the lock. The door opens and the two slip inside. It is dark inside and they can see the glow of the television and the sleeping Mr. Peabody in a reclining chair. They sneak past him and enter the kitchen. They place their sheets over their heads. One of the teens grabs a couple of glasses and throws them one by one towards the reclining chair until Mr. Peabody wakes. He sits up frantically. Desperately trying to stand he pulls himself up and walks around the chair to find the broken glasses. A wind comes in through his open window blowing his curtains and directing his attention. The teens use this as their opportunity. They exit the kitchen and slowly make their way towards Mr.Peabody. He sees them and steps backwards. His bare feet connecting with the broken glass which causes him to lose balance. One teen starts to make scary noises and in a gruff voice says, “Get out!”

Still trying to catch his balance Mr. Peabody steps on another shard of glass. Blood has begun to seep from his wounds. His wounded foot falls in the mix of blood and glass causing him to slip and fall backwards. He outstretches a hand but catches nothing. For the only handhold around would have been his window, which remained opened due to the disturbances from the two teens.

Mr. Peabody’s hand exited the window. Followed by his upper body. He tried to grab at anything to try and pull himself back in but to no avail. His upper body weight pulled him forward. Sliding him out the window and falling to the concrete below.

The teens ran to the window. Throwing off their sheets and looking at the crumpled body that lay beneath them.

“He’s gonna move. He’s gonna be okay.”

“We have to do something.”

They watch as Mr.Peabody continues to lay still. They see a car driving up the road. It pulls over and a figure runs to the body. The two teens duck their heads inside.

“He’ll be fine. We gotta go.”

They gather up their things and exit the apartment.


As Mr.Peabody lay waiting for what he knew was coming he lay there trying to figure out why after thirty years of silence the ghosts would do this to him now. He figured he had always been a good tenant. That they lived in a peacefulness. Never getting in each other’s way. He died that night in a state of wonder. His last thoughts on the mysteries of the world and what lay ahead of him. He smiled at the thought and closed his eyes.

Tales of People Dying pt. 9: The Clown

The clown never expected today to be his last day. If he had, maybe he would have gone home and changed out of his costume and not have tried to be a hero. But this was the life of the clown. Nothing ever went the way he expected. Though in his final minutes he kept true to himself.

The clown entered the convenience store with the hopes of picking up a soda, a candy bar and maybe a six-pack of cheap beer and exit quickly back to his house to take a shower and lay on his couch while watching episodes of television he had seen plenty of times before. It was while standing at the beer cooler that he heard the bells of the door ringing. He had no reason to suspect any foul play to be afoot, hundreds of people walk through that door everyday. But then he heard the shouting.

He turned to the commotion and saw a figure waving something that looked like a gun in the store worker’s face. The clown knew that this could escalate into something where a life could be taken. He made a decision.

He walked to the young man with the gun.

“Well helllllooooo there sonny!,”the clown said.

The gunman looked at the clown in a confused manner.

“What the fuck is this?”

“Wow there sonny, that’s no way to speak to a friend and Chuckles here is everybody’s friend!”

“You got to be shittin’ me.”

The gunman looked back at the store clerk, “Keep putting the money in the bag you fuck!”.

The clerk does as told. The clown starts to run in circles running into a wire rack holding magazines. He falls with a crash. Jumps back to his feet bellowing a ridiculous laugh. He then goes to one knee outstretches his hands above his head and says,”Ta daa!”. The gunman looks at him. This is when the clown squirts the gunman in the face with a stream of water from a flower that is attached to his shirt.

“What the fuck man!”

The gunman not taking kindly to the clown’s act hits the clown in the back of the head with the butt of his gun. The clown falls hard face forward, his head bouncing off the hard tile. The clown blinks trying to clear his vision. All he sees is the blood seeping from his head collecting in a puddle in front of him and a red ball that he recognizes a his nose.

When the gunman’s business is complete he turns to run out of the store. The clown can only see his feet. He watches as the gunman’s foot steps on his nose. A squeak emits from underneath the sneaker. The clown silently laughs to himself and smiles as he closes his eyes.


Tales of People Dying pt. 8: The Pest

The house smelled like pineapples. A sweet smell that turned my stomach and made me want to leave immediately. I held back the sick that was working its way up my esophagus and ventured through a door by a kitchen that led to a basement that occupied the reasoning for my coming to this pineappley hell.

The basement smelled better but there was a thickness in the air that seemed to encapsulate my head in an invisible pillow which made breathing a chore filling my eyes with tears that blurred my vision. I began to think I wouldn’t make it out of this house alive.

I made my way through the basement as best I could finding a wall and leaning against it at first then outstretching a hand to guide me. I began to feel light-headed and a cough rose from lungs. I coughed causing dust and who knows what else to loosen from the wall and drift into my face. The granules found a way into my already reddened eyes and felt like jagged rocks making cuts as I frantically blinked hoping my tears would wash them away.

It was then I lost all control of my legs and slid against the wall. The loose wood sent splinters into my shoulder causing me to take in a deep breath of the dust particles I’d stirred up with my sudden declination to the floor. I fell forward my face slamming hard pushing my teeth into my cheek and I swore I heard a cracking and a few teeth come loose. This thought became reality as my mouth filled with the coppery taste of my own blood.

I laid where I fell. My body sapped of all strength. My arms refused to move. I felt paralyzed. My mouth filling with blood faster than I could swallow. I felt a warmth under my head and saw a black liquid inching its way out from underneath. I instantly knew it was my blood. That my head had cracked open and that I was going to die. I laid there unable to remember my life. My head cloudy from whatever caused this. I closed my eyes and accepted the inevitable.

I came to at the feeling of cool air and muffled voices. I felt as if I were floating. I heard a woman’s voice…

“He ran in, I couldn’t stop him. He was repeating the same thing over and over, ‘It’s got to be here’. I yelled to him you can’t go in there it’s being fumigated but he just ran in so I called you guys. Is he going to be okay?”

I was being thrown around on what I assumed to be a gurney of some sort and I barely made out two figures pulling themselves into whatever I had just been put in. Two slamming noises and loud sirens followed. One of the figures put something on my face and air began to be forced into my nose. I laid there for a few minutes trying to figure everything out. To just make sense of what was going on. It was then I closed my eyes for the last time.




Until the End

A male is sitting in a room looking out a window. Another male enters.

Alexander: Are you ready?

Christian: Is Seraphim with you?

Alexander: She’s out by the car.

Christian lowers the blinds and turns to leave. Alexander follows.


Christian , Alexander and Seraphim are in a park. They walk towards a wooded area.

Seraphim: It’s so quiet here.

Alexander: It seems all the bad shit is going down in cities. Nothing here worth destroying.

Christian: What’s going on?

Seraphim: Looting, murder, suicide. You name it it’s happening.

Alexander: So why aren’t we out causing mayhem?

Christian: No one is forcing you to be here.

Alexander: You’re right, there’s no point.

Seraphim: (To Alexander) Didn’t you say you wanted to go out having sex?

Alexander: I changed my mind.

Seraphim: What caused that?

Alexander: Having sex out of wedlock is a sin. So, if there is a heaven, I’m trying my damndest not to fuck up my chances of getting.

Christian: Swearing is a sin too.

Alexander: I guess I’m just full of contradictions. Aside from saying a few bad words, today I am the most religious man you know.

Seraphim: You’re not serious.

Alexander: Yes I’m serious. You just don’t understand. You two have your golden tickets. Hell just look at your names. I’ve never given a fuck about that shit until my life is on the line. They say you find faith in times of woe. It appears it’s true.

Seraphim: (To Christian) You’re not jumping on the Jesus bandwagon are you?

Christian: You know me better than that.

The three of them walk in silence for a while.

Alexander: My mom wouldn’t stop crying. She hugged me for like thirty minutes. I didn’t think she would ever let me go.

Seraphim: My father wouldn’t even speak. He just sat staring at the blank screen of the tv.

Christian: I wonder if they are still alive?

Seraphim stops walking. Christian walks up to her. She wraps her arms around him.

Seraphim: (Looking Christian in the eyes) I love you.

Christian: I love you too.

Seraphim: I’m glad we met.

Christian: Sera, please, don’t do this now. Not yet.

Seraphim: I don’t want it to be too late. We have no idea when we are going to go. It could be any second now. Just let me say what I have too.

Alexander walks away.

Christian: (To Alexander) Where are you going?

Alexander: What you two have to say isn’t for my ears.

Christian looks back at Seraphim. She is smiling.

Christian: What?

Seraphim: Can’t I just look at you without there being a reason?

Christian: You just seem like you want to say something.

Seraphim: I do. It’ll come soon.


Alexander is much further down the trail. There is a rustling in the trees next to him. He sees a male and a female who appear to be having sex. He steps closer. The male looks at Alexander. Alexander sees blood on the male.

Alexander: What is going on? Get off her!

The male stands where he is and speaks to Alexander.

Male: Don’t you get it? We are free. There’s nothing we can’t do. We can unleash our forbidden desires and dine on the sins of man. It’s what God wants.

Alexander: You are crazy.

Male: Am I? Or are you just denying the truth? (He points to the sky) He is challenging us. This is His judgement day. We are all being judged.

Alexander: Is that what happened here? God’s judgement?

Male: He judged her through me. We are all dead my friend. It’s just a matter of time.

The male approached Alexander.

Alexander: Don’t come near me.

The man continues approaching and reveals a knife.

Alexander: I’m warning you.

The male runs at Alexander. Raising the knife he attempts to plunge it at Alexander. Alexander catches his arm and punches the males face. The male falls dropping the knife. Alexander picks it up.

Male: Be free.


Christian and Seraphim are now sitting on a patch of grass holding each other.

Seraphim: I have to tell you that in the twenty-two years that I have been alive I have never been as happy as the two year I have spent with you. The first day we met you made me smile and I haven’t stopped since.

Christian: You don’t have to do this.

Seraphim: I want to. I want you to know how much you mean to me. And that I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. I’m going with you. I’m going to die happy.

Christian kisses her on top of her head. She looks up at him. They kiss.

Christian: It’s the way it should be.

They kiss again. Alexander approaches.

Christian: Who’s blood is that?

Alexander: I had no choice.

Christian: No choice in what?

Alexander: Some crazy asshole up the trail.

Christian: You killed him?

Alexander: He was going to kill me.

Seraphim: Where did you get that?

Alexander looks in his hand. He drops the knife.

Alexander: You want to know something ironic? I’ve never felt so alive.

Christian: Just get cleaned up.

Alexander: What’s the point?

Christian: I don’t want to look at it.

Alexander removes his shirt and wipes himself off.

Seraphim: What’s happening to you?

Alexander: I’m looking death in the face and it isn’t pretty.

Searphim: You are losing your mind.

Alexander doesn’t respond.

Christian: I’m not ready.

Alexander: What?

Christian: I’m not fucking ready.

Alexander: You have no choice so, deal with it.

Christian: Fuck you.

Alexander: What’s your problem?

Christian: We are sitting here waiting to die.

Alexander: Why don’t you go cause some mayhem?

Christian: I’m not you. I’m not going to go kill someone. I want more time.

Alexander: i told you I had no choice.

Christian: How do we know that? How do we know all your Jesus talk wasn’t just complete bullshit and you are just as crazy as the rest of these people?

Seraphim: (To Christian) Why are you acting like this?

Christian: I’m fucking scared. I don’t want this. I want to wake up tomorrow and see your face. I’m not ready for nothingness.

Seraphim: We are all scared.

Christian walks to a tree and sits under it. Seraphim joins him and they wrap their arms around each other. Alexander lays on the ground in front of them. They stay that way for a while.

Everything goes black.



*Another attempt at something that went nowhere*

When Visible entered the saloon he knew he was asking for trouble. He walked quickly to the back of the establishment, the whole time hiding his face under his wide brim hat. The back corner was dark so he raised his hat a little, in time to see a whore approaching his table. She sits, leans back in her chair and raises her skirts to reveal stocking’d legs.

“Fancy ‘a swig an’ a poke Mista?”

“I’m expecting someone.”

“Sorry Mista, I ain’st be doin’ two’s ya.”

“Well that’s fine. I don’t fancy a poke.”

“Shame, me cunny’s real slick fer ya.”

Visible reaches out with his gloved hand and touches the whore’s knee.

“I think you’re right, why don’t you go grab a whiskey for me. I’ll toss it back we’ll see what happens next.”

The whore stands and goes to the bar. Visible removes his hat and places it on the table. Pulls his long jet black hair into a ponytail revealing his tattooed face. The whore returns with the whiskey. Stopping short of the table and dropping the glass to the floor. The crash brings the attention of two men at the bar. They approach the table. Visible stands and removes his shirt and gloves showing a tattooed torso to match his face.

The whore runs to the men who have drawn their pistols.

“Dat man da devil,” the whore exclaims.

The men remain speechless, only holding pistols at Visible and examining his tattooed body. They eyeball the intricate muscles that are painted into his arms, the heart that rests in the center of his chest enclosed in an armor of rib cage.

“What you is Mister?” one of the drunkards asks.

“I’m just a man trying to meet someone. I didn’t want trouble till you brought it amongst yourselves. I would appreciate it if I sit here in peace until my company arrives.”

The other drunkards speaks. “Well you done fucked that up ain’t ya son. We don’t take kindly to freaks or demons here. You see we God fearin’ people. We ain’t gots no use for your devils. No you leave or we’s make you leave.”

A man speaks from behind the drunkards.

“I think my partner has just the same right as any of you fine gentlemen to sit, enjoy a drink, await his company and leave. Now, if you have a problem with him, well, then I’m sorry to say it, you have a problem with me. I have a nasty habit of solvin’ my problems, just can’t let that rest on my conscious.”

A gun cocks followed by the releasing of steam. The drunkards turn to face the man behind them. He is hold a short barreled shotgun that has been modified with a tube at the top that is releasing a puff of steam. A ticking sound can heard and gears are at work beside the trigger.

“Vis, grab your gear, I think we have had all the hospitality we can take today.”

Visible replaces his shirt, gloves and hat then joins the side of the armed man. They back towards the door, the steam gun still pointed at the drunkards. They are about to exit when a giant black bird flys in from behind them and lands on the bar.

Charlie, the man with the steam gun, draws his attention to the bird.

“Well, this changes everything now don’t it,” he says.

A gunshot rings out from behind the bar.

“Get the fuck out or I’ll bleed you out,” the bartender yells at the two strangers and bringing the pistol down to point in their direction.

“Or not,” Charlie pulls the trigger of the steam gun. A loud roar emits and a mix of gunshot and force spews from the barrel. The two drunkards, the whore and the barman are all but disintegrated. Charlie and Visible use this distraction to run out the doorway.

They climb onto the backs oif the horses they arrived on head through the town with much haste. Visible looks back at the bar, a black cloud had begun to stream out.

“Charlie, look,” yells Visible.

Charlie looks back to see the cloud breaking up into individual black birds.

“Shit. Crows.”

He raises the steam gun and points it to the cloud and pulls the trigger. The same emission spews forth cutting a hole into the cloud and littering the ground black.

“Vis, just go, don’t look back.”


Something Sick For the Rest of You

“Watch this…Hey Johnson!”


“You go to baby molesters anonymous yet?”

“It was a one-time thing!”


“What was that all about?”

“Johnson molested some like twelve year old or something, thinks because he only did it once and has not done it again, yet, that he’s fit to be a normal everyday ding-dong how do you do citizen of the free world.”

“Doesn’t he have to register or something?”

“Yeah, had to go door to door telling everyone how he’s a sick fucker with a lust fer yungin’s. However, he adds how it was a sick disease that has been cured by a newfound love fer the lord above, like that’s a saving grace. I mean shit, like a holy man has never touched a yungin.”

“I just don’t get it, how can this be tolerated?”


“That that ped is in here eating, drinking, look he’s chatting it up with that guy, someone’s father, I mean that dude’s got a kid…”

“Maybe he’s buttering him up, few more drinks he’s thinking, few more drinks and his son’ll be all mine, maniacal laugh.”

“I’m being serious, why isn’t there…, what am I saying? How is it that that fuck is drinking with us, not drinking with us in the literal sense, but in the same vicinity, the same building, the same continent that isn’t overrun with cannibals, which doesn’t matter because cannibals have more class than to eat a ped.”

“On the other hand, maybe cannibals don’t have that much class, maybe it’s that they think if they eat a ped than they will absorb that ped’s soul and become a freakin’ ped themselves.”

“Or maybe they don’t wanna eat some dude who has a twelve year old’s cum in their stomach.”

“That’s pushing this conversation a little too far.”

“Look, I don’t want to have this freakin’ conversation. We wouldn’t be having this conversation if the world we lived in would punish those who deserved it.”

“You mean Johnson.”

“Fuck yeah I mean Johnson. He should be in jail getting fucked in the ass by some spic drug runner.”

“Are you holding back something? Are there some repressed feelings at work here? Was there a family member that was just a little too friendly when you were a wee one?”

“No, I wasn’t molested as a child. This is just a matter of decency. We live in a world that worries too much about what might happen and forgets about what has happened. We’ll make up a war to prevent something from happening, but we’ll release criminals who have committed acts of cruelty amongst our fellow man. And they’re not reformed. As soon as they get out they look fer that next child to touch, that next lady to force themselves upon, that next homosexual to beat three inches from death. There’s a difference between thinking something and committing something. You can think all you want to. It’s just a thought. People think all the time about killing that hateful boss. But it never comes to fruition. But committing that act, there’s no going back. You’ve tested those waters and the swimming’s a good time you’ve never experienced before. And believe me there will come a time when the water gets just a little too tempting, be it a hot day or you’re just looking fer some exercise. But you’ll jump in and swim till your heart’s content.”

“Well since you’re mister high and mighty go do something about it. You can talk the talk, it is just talk right? But can you make a difference? If you’re gonna sit here and blabber this is bad, this is not the way it should be and shit. Stand up! Fight fer your rights! Show the world that you are one hundred percent male. That you eat pussy fer a reason, so it doesn’t eat you.”

“This isn’t a joke.”

“I’m not fucking laughing Nicholas.”

“Then what the hell are you saying?”

“I’m saying you’re no different from anyone else. You have this, let’s call it a map, a topographical map, and in the valleys are the indigents of the world, the criminals, the “gangsta” blacks, hell maybe all the blacks. In the plains you have the Mexicans, cause your white ass isn’t gonna plow the fields. On the hills, you have the Asians, you don’t care if they live or die, you just want to fuck their women. Last of all you have the all mighty white man, standing tall on the highest of peaks, not a care in the world except those rare times you have to venture to the valley. You do live in that paranoid world where all black men are gonna rape a white woman, right? I’ve seen you, a black man passes you by, you grab your ass making sure your wallet’s still there.”

“What are you getting at?”

“You wanna talk shit, say that person’s bad for this and that reason. However, you don’t see. You’re a scared little turtle; you’ll come out of your shell to badmouth someone to your friends. You can’t speak your mind when they’re around, no, at that moment you’re pissing your pants with your mouth clamped shut.”

“None of this matters anymore. Look, he’s leaving. We can go back to our normal lives.”

“If that’s what you want to do. Go on with your normal life little turtle. Just think that in the time it took us to have this conversation you could’ve done something. But instead you wanted to sit here arguing with me about who knows what.”

“Whatever. One more drink and of I’m out of here.”

“Goodnight little turtle.”



Bootie Who

*This is something I started working on but never finished*

“Just look at all of them, they’re everywhere. And…and one day we’ll be like that, so ancient, so frail, so transparent…”

“So oblivious to the world surrounding us,” Tommy cuts in.

“Exactly, we’ll know what everything is; technology, sex, we’ll just forget what to do with it.”

“It’s not that we forget what to do with it, I think we want to forget because those tools of the trade just don’t work anymore: erectile dysfunction, senility.”



“You know, loss of bone density…no, doesn’t ring a bell?”

“I know what fucking osteoporosis is. It just has no relevance.”

“It has relevance. It’s something we have, bone density, and with age we lose, just like with sexual functionality.”

And it pretty much stayed like this for the rest of the day. Tommy and I sipping java, eating coffee cakes and discussing our worries about the years to come. That was how my day went. My night is a completely different story. It started on my walk home.

On the many a nights that I make the trek from the quaint coffee house, three blocks to my apartment I usually occupy my time whistling a tune. Be it a one hit wonder from the eighties or current tune being played on the rock radio stations, it is whistled loud and proud from these two lips. On this hazy, damp night, I had chosen Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody to help make the excursion fly by. (For I had just rented the new Mark Paul Gosselaar movie and I couldn’t wait to see if he had chosen a role that would revitalize his career and shut up the naysayers who believe that Zack Morris is all that he’ll ever be. I know your saying to yourself, “He was in NYPD Blue. Didn’t that shed his Zack Morris innocence?” No, it did not.)

Just as I’m rounding the corner and approaching the stairs leading into my apartment building I come to the last bars of Freddie Mercury’s masterpiece.

“A great choice,” I whisper to myself as I climb the stairs and journey into number 133.

Once inside I hang my keys on the key hanger I made in shop as a high schooler, immediately walk to the phone, and check for messages. There is one; I push the button and out of the tiny speaker, I hear my sister’s annoyingly fake yankee accent.

Hey Les, my cah broke down this mahnin’ and I have this really hawt date tonight. So, I have two favahs ta ask, one, can I bahrow ya cah tonight, and second can you watch little Hilary while I’m gone? I’ll owe ya big. Call me back, love ya.”


Sinking Ships and Whatnot

You look like the kind of girl that has traveled the seas.

What does that mean?

You look as though you’ve collected a lot of booty.

Are you saying my ass is fat?

I’m saying you’ve collected a lot of booty. If you take that to mean your ass, then that’s what it shall mean to you.

I don’t need you speaking in riddles.

Shall I exacerbate it in paragraphs?

Speaking fucking english please.

You’re the one that wanted these muffins.

Muffins. Not witchy speak.

Muffins tickle my brain’s wit.

Well, stop. It’s fucking annoying.

Why? So we can talk about purses and who has the bigger penis? Milo Ventimiglia or Ben Affleck?

Who the fuck is Milo Ventimigigilia?

He was on that show where people were superheroes or some shit.

Had that little asian dude.


Is that racist?


I called him little, you know…

Know what?

Asians have little penises.

So you do want to talk about penises?

Not really, just asking. Don’t want to go into an hour long conversation about them.

I don’t know.

Isn’t that what you’ve heard?

I’ve heard a lot, mostly bullshit. I can’t say yes or no until I’ve seen at least fifty asian dicks. If ninety percent are small, then yeah, the majority have small penises.

Can we please stop talking about penises?

It’s just the sign of the times.

What does that mean?

We don’t really know anything.

Are you trying to relate penis size to the meaning of life?

I’m doing no such thing. I’m merely commenting on the state of the adolescent mind.

You are confusing the hell out of me.

That is far from intentional.


They Know Who You Are

This is a sort of sequel to a story I wrote called “In Your Eyes”. It probably won’t make much sense unless you read that one first.



I never in a million years thought I’d be holding my father’s head in his last moments. The world works in mysterious ways. That seems to be true these days.

On the morning my father died I awoke with a need to be pretty. I wanted to go out and flaunt myself, cause sometimes you have to make other people jealous of the things you have just to keep yourself sane.

I dolled myself up and took a trip to the local mall. It was there that I found him. The one I’d lust for a day. The one that by the end of the night would kill my father and, himself lay dead on my apartment floor.

I first saw him as I stood in line for a coffee. I saw him looking my way, though who wasn’t. There was something different about this guy. There was a gleam, a hunger, a wanting in his glassy blue eyes. They drew me in. Made me forget I was in line for refreshment.

When I finally looked away it was my turn to order. I requested a frosty vanilla beverage, paid, received my order and looked out in the crowd for that mysterious stranger. He was no longer where my eyes could find him. I put him in the back of my mind and began my venture of spending more money than I had.

After three hours of driving myself closer to bankruptcy I decided to call it quits and journey home. I took an elevator down to the parking level, exited, and saw him. He was leaning against a support column smoking a cigarette. I’d never seen cancer look so sexy.


I had seen her long before she noticed me as she was standing in line for coffee. I followed her from the apartment knowing that this was going to be my next meal. I could smell the other inside her. It was strange at first and I didn’t understand fully until I stealthily brushed by her outside of the Macy’s.

It was after this that she saw me and I knew I had her or him or it or whatever I should call…her? I’ll explain this. Her blood contained the scent of two hormones. The male and the female, and not like everyone else, they were stronger, unnaturally stronger, as if there were two separate beings inside her. As I watched her waiting for her coffee it all came clear to me…she is transgender with still a lot of male hormone. This didn’t scare me away, for who am I to judge? I would be shunned much worse than her if my true identity were to become public. If anything it peaked my interest, yes, I knew that sex would most likely come into play, though if you want to look at it that way you’d have to ask yourself which of us is the more perverse? The one having sex with a former male or the one having sex with the undead?


I made my way to my vehicle. The heels of my new pumps clacking loudly on the concrete. My shyness began to overwhelm me so I stopped and removed my heels and continued my trek barefoot. I know, why get all dolled up if you’re too scared to approach an interesting character? It’s just all part of my girlish charm.

I reached my car, pressed the unlock button on my keychain and threw my bags into the backseat. It was then I heard him. He was standing behind me. The smell of his cigarette wafting into my nostrils.

I took a deep breath and said, “ You aren’t going to rape me are you?”

He made a noise that was kind of a laugh and a grunt, then said, “Why would I do that?”

I turn to look at him, “I’ll clue you in on a little secret…don’t say anything that could make a girl question her looks, especially if you want to be friends.”

He takes a drag of his cigarette and looks at me with those haunting eyes. A smile creeps into his lips.

“Is that all you want? Friendship?” he asks.

“Hey, we just met. I’m still not convinced a crime isn’t going to committed.”

“Never hurt a fly,” he says.

“What’s on your mind?”

“Could use a little nourishment. You?”

“I’m famished.”

“There’s nothing around here,” referencing the parking lot.

“I’m sure we could find somewhere.”

We gathered ourselves into my car and began the adventure that’d end in death.


We decided on a diner two blocks from the mall. I wanted somewhere crowded and loud and light on the wallet. He was fine with whatever I chose. I ordered a hot pastrami sandwich on rye bread with a sweet tea. He ordered a chicken caesar salad for which he only ate the chicken out of.

“Not as hungry as you thought?” I asked.

“I don’t want to spoil my dinner.”

He was creepy and mysterious. I was loving every minute of it.

“I can’t believe they banned smoking in restaurants,” he said.

“The shit they pull.”

“Tell me about it.”

There wasn’t much conversation during the whole meal and I attribute much of the silence to my shyness. I think his creepiness also played a significant part as well. The majority of the time I was lost in his eyes, Trying hard to read the story they were trying to tell. I got lost in them, just as I had begun to at the mall.

“Your eyes are amazing.”

“They tell all there is about me. They withhold my deepest secret.”

“You have a secret do you? This secret wouldn’t involve young beautiful women and lonely roads and sharp knives?”

“Nothing like that. Just secrets like anyone else has. We all have things we keep to ourselves. Afraid of what would happen if the world were to find out.”

“I guess, though it doesn’t have to be so dramatic.”

“I know you have a secret.”


“I can sense it. I can smell it.”

“Are you saying you have powers? Like a psychic? Wait, I know, you’re a werewolf from the moors of England. Like that movie.”

“Could be.”

“I doubt that. I was just fucking with you. Werewolves are just campfire tales.”

“You never know, lucky its not a full moon tonight.”

“I guess I am.”

We talked for another hour. The time came for us to pay the bill and leave. We had that awkwardness outside of the diner of what to do next. All I could think about was stripping off our clothes and fucking all night. It was hypnotic eyes and my horniness that made me forget I had made plans for that evening.


My secret didn’t surprise him, which surprised me, though I should’ve known it wouldn’t because of our conversation at lunch. We were on the couch kissing and touching. It was when he reached between my legs my true self was exposed.

“Does it frighten you?”

“I told you, I already knew.”


“I could smell another inside you. What I saw on the outside didn’t match.”

We kissed again which led to sex which led to the both of us falling asleep on the couch. We were awoken by a knock on the door. I then remembered that my father was stopping by for a late supper.


“Who is it?”

“My father. I totally forgot.”

“What should I do?”

“Go into the bathroom and get dressed, I’ll try to sneak you out.”

“You do know you are a grown up, we don’t have to sneak around like children.”

“This just saves a lot explaining that I really want to avoid.”

He ran to the bathroom as I threw on my clothes and answered the door. My father entered and I was pushed violently to the floor by the man I had just coupled with. He was grabbing at my father and ripping and tearing at his neck with a violent ferocity. He used his finger to dig into my father’s throat, trying, for what is seemed to be removing head from body.

I ran from the carnage. Searching the apartment for anything I could use as a weapon. In a hall closet I found a red aluminum baseball bat. With it in tow I ran back into the living room to find our attacker had successfully my father’s head from his body. He was now slamming against the corner of my kitchen counter trying to crack it open like a coconut. While he was occupied I snuck behind raising the bat and dropping it forcefully against the back of his skull. He fell to the floor, looking up at me with his haunting eyes.

“What are you?”

‘I’m everything you have to look forward to.”

“Don’t speak in riddles.”

“Your simple nature would we refer to us as zombies.”

“Zombies?” I ask impatiently.

“It’s as real as anything you know. You have hell to look forward to.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I was inside you. My DNA is mixing with yours. I am your future.”

I had listened to enough so I hit him again and again, crushing his skull with my little red bat. When I finished I picked up my father’s head and placed it near his body. I laid beside him and fell to sleep.

In time what he said became reality. I became one of his kind. I became a monster. I’d never been happier.