Sinking Ships and Whatnot

You look like the kind of girl that has traveled the seas.

What does that mean?

You look as though you’ve collected a lot of booty.

Are you saying my ass is fat?

I’m saying you’ve collected a lot of booty. If you take that to mean your ass, then that’s what it shall mean to you.

I don’t need you speaking in riddles.

Shall I exacerbate it in paragraphs?

Speaking fucking english please.

You’re the one that wanted these muffins.

Muffins. Not witchy speak.

Muffins tickle my brain’s wit.

Well, stop. It’s fucking annoying.

Why? So we can talk about purses and who has the bigger penis? Milo Ventimiglia or Ben Affleck?

Who the fuck is Milo Ventimigigilia?

He was on that show where people were superheroes or some shit.

Had that little asian dude.


Is that racist?


I called him little, you know…

Know what?

Asians have little penises.

So you do want to talk about penises?

Not really, just asking. Don’t want to go into an hour long conversation about them.

I don’t know.

Isn’t that what you’ve heard?

I’ve heard a lot, mostly bullshit. I can’t say yes or no until I’ve seen at least fifty asian dicks. If ninety percent are small, then yeah, the majority have small penises.

Can we please stop talking about penises?

It’s just the sign of the times.

What does that mean?

We don’t really know anything.

Are you trying to relate penis size to the meaning of life?

I’m doing no such thing. I’m merely commenting on the state of the adolescent mind.

You are confusing the hell out of me.

That is far from intentional.


They Know Who You Are

This is a sort of sequel to a story I wrote called “In Your Eyes”. It probably won’t make much sense unless you read that one first.



I never in a million years thought I’d be holding my father’s head in his last moments. The world works in mysterious ways. That seems to be true these days.

On the morning my father died I awoke with a need to be pretty. I wanted to go out and flaunt myself, cause sometimes you have to make other people jealous of the things you have just to keep yourself sane.

I dolled myself up and took a trip to the local mall. It was there that I found him. The one I’d lust for a day. The one that by the end of the night would kill my father and, himself lay dead on my apartment floor.

I first saw him as I stood in line for a coffee. I saw him looking my way, though who wasn’t. There was something different about this guy. There was a gleam, a hunger, a wanting in his glassy blue eyes. They drew me in. Made me forget I was in line for refreshment.

When I finally looked away it was my turn to order. I requested a frosty vanilla beverage, paid, received my order and looked out in the crowd for that mysterious stranger. He was no longer where my eyes could find him. I put him in the back of my mind and began my venture of spending more money than I had.

After three hours of driving myself closer to bankruptcy I decided to call it quits and journey home. I took an elevator down to the parking level, exited, and saw him. He was leaning against a support column smoking a cigarette. I’d never seen cancer look so sexy.


I had seen her long before she noticed me as she was standing in line for coffee. I followed her from the apartment knowing that this was going to be my next meal. I could smell the other inside her. It was strange at first and I didn’t understand fully until I stealthily brushed by her outside of the Macy’s.

It was after this that she saw me and I knew I had her or him or it or whatever I should call…her? I’ll explain this. Her blood contained the scent of two hormones. The male and the female, and not like everyone else, they were stronger, unnaturally stronger, as if there were two separate beings inside her. As I watched her waiting for her coffee it all came clear to me…she is transgender with still a lot of male hormone. This didn’t scare me away, for who am I to judge? I would be shunned much worse than her if my true identity were to become public. If anything it peaked my interest, yes, I knew that sex would most likely come into play, though if you want to look at it that way you’d have to ask yourself which of us is the more perverse? The one having sex with a former male or the one having sex with the undead?


I made my way to my vehicle. The heels of my new pumps clacking loudly on the concrete. My shyness began to overwhelm me so I stopped and removed my heels and continued my trek barefoot. I know, why get all dolled up if you’re too scared to approach an interesting character? It’s just all part of my girlish charm.

I reached my car, pressed the unlock button on my keychain and threw my bags into the backseat. It was then I heard him. He was standing behind me. The smell of his cigarette wafting into my nostrils.

I took a deep breath and said, “ You aren’t going to rape me are you?”

He made a noise that was kind of a laugh and a grunt, then said, “Why would I do that?”

I turn to look at him, “I’ll clue you in on a little secret…don’t say anything that could make a girl question her looks, especially if you want to be friends.”

He takes a drag of his cigarette and looks at me with those haunting eyes. A smile creeps into his lips.

“Is that all you want? Friendship?” he asks.

“Hey, we just met. I’m still not convinced a crime isn’t going to committed.”

“Never hurt a fly,” he says.

“What’s on your mind?”

“Could use a little nourishment. You?”

“I’m famished.”

“There’s nothing around here,” referencing the parking lot.

“I’m sure we could find somewhere.”

We gathered ourselves into my car and began the adventure that’d end in death.


We decided on a diner two blocks from the mall. I wanted somewhere crowded and loud and light on the wallet. He was fine with whatever I chose. I ordered a hot pastrami sandwich on rye bread with a sweet tea. He ordered a chicken caesar salad for which he only ate the chicken out of.

“Not as hungry as you thought?” I asked.

“I don’t want to spoil my dinner.”

He was creepy and mysterious. I was loving every minute of it.

“I can’t believe they banned smoking in restaurants,” he said.

“The shit they pull.”

“Tell me about it.”

There wasn’t much conversation during the whole meal and I attribute much of the silence to my shyness. I think his creepiness also played a significant part as well. The majority of the time I was lost in his eyes, Trying hard to read the story they were trying to tell. I got lost in them, just as I had begun to at the mall.

“Your eyes are amazing.”

“They tell all there is about me. They withhold my deepest secret.”

“You have a secret do you? This secret wouldn’t involve young beautiful women and lonely roads and sharp knives?”

“Nothing like that. Just secrets like anyone else has. We all have things we keep to ourselves. Afraid of what would happen if the world were to find out.”

“I guess, though it doesn’t have to be so dramatic.”

“I know you have a secret.”


“I can sense it. I can smell it.”

“Are you saying you have powers? Like a psychic? Wait, I know, you’re a werewolf from the moors of England. Like that movie.”

“Could be.”

“I doubt that. I was just fucking with you. Werewolves are just campfire tales.”

“You never know, lucky its not a full moon tonight.”

“I guess I am.”

We talked for another hour. The time came for us to pay the bill and leave. We had that awkwardness outside of the diner of what to do next. All I could think about was stripping off our clothes and fucking all night. It was hypnotic eyes and my horniness that made me forget I had made plans for that evening.


My secret didn’t surprise him, which surprised me, though I should’ve known it wouldn’t because of our conversation at lunch. We were on the couch kissing and touching. It was when he reached between my legs my true self was exposed.

“Does it frighten you?”

“I told you, I already knew.”


“I could smell another inside you. What I saw on the outside didn’t match.”

We kissed again which led to sex which led to the both of us falling asleep on the couch. We were awoken by a knock on the door. I then remembered that my father was stopping by for a late supper.


“Who is it?”

“My father. I totally forgot.”

“What should I do?”

“Go into the bathroom and get dressed, I’ll try to sneak you out.”

“You do know you are a grown up, we don’t have to sneak around like children.”

“This just saves a lot explaining that I really want to avoid.”

He ran to the bathroom as I threw on my clothes and answered the door. My father entered and I was pushed violently to the floor by the man I had just coupled with. He was grabbing at my father and ripping and tearing at his neck with a violent ferocity. He used his finger to dig into my father’s throat, trying, for what is seemed to be removing head from body.

I ran from the carnage. Searching the apartment for anything I could use as a weapon. In a hall closet I found a red aluminum baseball bat. With it in tow I ran back into the living room to find our attacker had successfully my father’s head from his body. He was now slamming against the corner of my kitchen counter trying to crack it open like a coconut. While he was occupied I snuck behind raising the bat and dropping it forcefully against the back of his skull. He fell to the floor, looking up at me with his haunting eyes.

“What are you?”

‘I’m everything you have to look forward to.”

“Don’t speak in riddles.”

“Your simple nature would we refer to us as zombies.”

“Zombies?” I ask impatiently.

“It’s as real as anything you know. You have hell to look forward to.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I was inside you. My DNA is mixing with yours. I am your future.”

I had listened to enough so I hit him again and again, crushing his skull with my little red bat. When I finished I picked up my father’s head and placed it near his body. I laid beside him and fell to sleep.

In time what he said became reality. I became one of his kind. I became a monster. I’d never been happier.