Vampire and the Bear

The vampire didn’t scare me per se. It more just, how do you put it? Tickled my fancy, I guess that’s the best way to put it. I wasn’t scared in any way possible which was strange because he looked as if he wanted to kill me in the truest definition of the word. He was grunting and growling, some sort of liquid dripping out of his mouth, blood dripping from his fingernails from the bear that he had drained the life out of before I entered the cavern. He inched a step closer to me seeming a little wary of my unwavering disconcern of his morbidity. He took one more step before I spoke.

“Hold on lad, give it a tick would ya?” I finished pissing on the pile of rocks and zipped up.

In true vampire form the beast replied, “I will kill you!”

Putting my junk in it’s proper position to create the least amount of discomfort, I turned so that I was face to face with the creature.

“I don’t doubt that in the slightest, but you could have the common courtesy to give a man two shakes before creeping behind. If I were a lesser man you would’ve scared me silly and dribblings would’ve trickled me new pants leg. I don’t know if you are aware but ain’t no washrooms in these here woods. I was lucky enough to stumble upon this here cavern so that I would get a piss in peace, or so I thought. But no bother, not too much of a nuisance, just glad I didn’t partake of the this privacy moments prior or I would’ve came face to face with old Yogi over there. Am I right?”

Again, as unoriginal as a broken record, “I willkill you!”

“But imagine that bear taking charge of the situation. Striking fast at your silly bits, maybe a nibble or two of your buttocks. And just for shits and giggles plucking your still beating heart dripping your life into it’s grizzly jawls. It’s a horrifying tale, lucky I missed it. But I have to say that I’ve seen a good majority of your movies and that you are a voracious eater of the flesh with a tendency to give an unsuspecting Babylonian whore the old in and out.”

Flattered at the recognition the vampire emits a smirk across his ashen face.

“You are a kidder, no? He approaches me and sets an arm around my neck, like any buddy or pal would do at a baseball game. “I once knew a guy like you. It was 1435 and the waters were young. A shipman is what I was at the time. Exploring the seas for that grand treasure, scoring the sex of those ‘Babylonian whores’. I shipwrecked on an island after fourteen days at sea. I was glad for land at any cost, and me being a mortal human in those days, food was becoming a commodity that I just didn’t have.”

He placed a hand on the back of my neck.

“An island of lush, exotic flora was laid before me…”

It was then that I felt a sharp prick on my neck…


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