Tales of People Dying pt. 7: The Old Fuck

The alarm went off and I jumped out of bed…no that was a dream cause I’m old as fuck and can’t really move that well and that old feminist Janet Marko is sitting in my room with a bible and a bottle of Jack preaching about midgets that ride on the toilet and Armageddon. When able, I stand and slowly make my way to the cafeteria and listen to all the gibberish that the old fucks like myself are spatttering on about midgets riding toilets (that’s odd) and how Jesus will come one day to release us old fucks from the grasp of that squirmy fella the Devil. I sit and enjoy a cup of orange jello with fruit bits that will more than likely give me the gooey shits but I eat them anyway and forgive the future that will be bestowed upon me and my sensitive rectum. When I finished my jello I stood and went back to my room and like to have died when I saw that mean old feminist Janet Marko naked on my bed yelling about the midgets and how “They done been by this way and gon’ free us.” I excuse myself from her preachy premise and walk to the nearest lavatory for a date with the porcelain god. I enter and hear a bustle, one of the stall doors is cracked and a vocalizing permits from behind. “Who there?” I ask with little reply. So I step forward push the door inward and see two midgets perched on the toilet. They stare at me and smile. Then a pain stretches from my shoulder to my fingers and my heart stops. That goddamn Janet Marko was right all along.


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